YOU MIGHT BE A BORING HUNK IF

  1. you were compelling enough as a sexy Elven archer with flowing blond hair but then you starred in the most forgettable Cameron Crowe movie ever, and you just looked totally bewildered as JOHNNY DEPP WIPED THE FLOOR WITH YOU in every movie of a long running franchise.
  2. you played the boring boyfriend who gets left for Wolverine, Superman and Ryan Gosling. Even when you're Prince Charming, you get left for Patrick Dempsey. Even when you get to be a superhero you're the really boring one who has to wear a visor all the time.
  3. I get you mixed up with Patrick Wilson.
  4. I get you mixed up with Josh Lucas.
  5. you've got a hunky brother, also boring.
  6. you've starred opposite Katherine Heigl AND in a Nicholas Sparks movie (see also 2, above).
  7. for some reason the world loves you but I'm so bored.
  8. you can't possibly keep up with Audrey Hepburn, but that's why we like you.
  9. you were my first crush when I was 10 and saw you in Robin Hood, but really you were ridiculous.
  10. about two weeks after the movie ended she would realize you were a pretty big doofus, but at least you gave her a confidence boost and some solid make out seshes.
  11. you're really cheesy, you sing and I get you mixed up with Matt Bomer.
  12. you're really cheesy, you sing and I get you mixed up with Matthew Morrison.
  13. you've been on this list since the mid 90s but I forgot about you because you're so boring and now you're on NCIS or whatever.
  14. you're dead, still boring. may you rest in peace.