MOVING MY BROTHER TO NASHVILLE: A DETAILED LIST FOR MY SISTER WHO DIDN'T GET TO COME

@sar_marieee is clearly bitter so I'm going to include all the food in this
  1. SATURDAY
  2. 6:30 AM - text telling me they are two hours into the drive is received. Impressive.
  3. 1:30 PM - they are on time and will arrive at 2PM. I jump to put pants on for the first time since 8 AM.
  4. 2:15 PM - arrive at the new apartment. Parents are on the porch, Joe and Jessica are signing their lives away and promising not to sue over lead poisoning
  5. 3:00 PM - The uhaul was unloaded at lightning speed because power men are insane
    And because the fear of rain
  6. 3:15 - I discover Jessica labeled every box like she's straight out of a romantic comedy. She even used adorable duct tape
  7. 3:20 PM - We pokemon. Dad is furious.
  8. 3:30 PM - Dad and Joe return the uhaul while Martha runs around the house unpacking things because she can't sit still
  9. 4:00 PM - Jessica discovered a wet spot on the floor that was nottttt good*
    *but also very clearly the apartments problem not theirs
  10. 5:00 PM - the menfolk arrive in time to meet Orlando, for all the good it does. Jessica speaks fluent Spanish and saves the day
  11. 5:30 PM - Ron inhales beer. Martha and I strike out to find food after I reiterate for the one millionth time that I have no idea what is near us as I do not live in this part of Nashville and it is as new to me as it is to them
  12. 5:45 PM - Martha says dollar general market is "interesting" and she means dirty
  13. 6:00 PM - we order four gyros and I get dessert and a full meal because I am the fat kid in this family and I am perfectly okay with that. Baklava is stellar
  14. 6:30 PM - the sandwiches are completely consumed and everyone is exhausted.
  15. 6:32 PM - I accidentally step on Corndog.
  16. 6:45 PM - I make them open presents. They give me saltwater taffy and basalmic and I consume too many pieces.
  17. 7:00 PM - Martha catches a Pokemon. Ron complains how no one listens or talks to him anymore because Pokemon. Falls right back asleep in the chair
  18. 7:45 PM - Joe and Jessica are unpacking, I hint at leaving so everyone can rest, both parents open their eyes long enough to protest
  19. 8:15 PM - I go home. My bed is soft and I will not see it for two more days.
  20. SUNDAY
  21. 7:00 AM - I wake up in a daze covered in saltwater taffy wrappers. I quickly shower and grab my handy pink tool kit and head to the house.
  22. 7:15 AM - I arrive to have coffee and to Ron repeatedly mentioning bass pro shop. He measures the space for the washer dryer and insists the apartment complex is for idiots
  23. 7:16 AM - We Pokemon. Ron mentions he hates the game.
  24. 7:30 AM - Ron comes back from the bathroom and makes a joke about surveying land from that height (the toilet is on a raised platform)
  25. 8:00 AM - Jose and I eat Raisin Bran because it is the best and most underrated cereal
    I also eat a banana to please my mother
  26. 8:15 AM - I accidentally step on Corndog
  27. 9:00 AM - we load into the car to adventure to the Sears outlet that supposedly doesn't open until 10 AM because Ron is turning into Jerry Power
  28. 9:35 AM - Ron pouts because the entire car is playing Pokemon. Makes an illegal uturn in an attempt to go to a store called FUTONS FUTONS FUTONS. It doesn't even have FUTON.
  29. 9:50 AM - Sears doesn't open until noon on Sunday. We head to bass pro shop
  30. 9:59 AM - Martha and I take the Bass Pro Shop Pokemon gym for Team Mystic. Ron stomps off to camping to find an air mattress
  31. 10:45 AM - Martha and Jessica acquire the most glorious pajama pants
  32. 11:00 AM - We check out of bass pro. Joe and I retake the gym for Team Mystic. Ron mutters to himself that he hates all of us. Buys dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds because he hates all of us
  33. 11:25 AM - we exit the highway too early but spot a Kmart. Get all the goodies.
  34. 12:00 PM - return to the apartment for deli sandwiches on wonder bread. Ron and joe go on a mission for a washer dryer
  35. 1:30 PM - Martha and I go for a walk to give Jessica a few minutes to plan her life. Martha catches a Tauros
  36. 2:00 PM - we eat all the dove chocolates and make fun of their weird new phrase things
  37. 4:00 PM - the boys get back from getting the dryer, head out to pick up the washer. The women head to Kroger because gender roles.
  38. 4:15 PM - I begin to successfully bully Jessica into groceries. Once she realizes the reality of this grocery run the flood gates open
  39. 4:45 PM - I go to get the second cart. The first one has some precariously placed items and is almost impossible to take around turns and we haven't yet met the freezer section
  40. 5:00 PM - mom tries to use the southwest card in my name to give me extra points. It is declined because we filled two carts
  41. 5:03 PM - I distract Jessica by bullying her into picking two lottery tickets for dad so she will not see the grocery total. I assume it is in the $500 range
  42. 5:10 PM - we attempt to pack the groceries in my already packed suv because it is my mobile library because my studio apartment is tiny. Mom ends up trapped by groceries
  43. 5: 25 PM - we unpack the groceries while the men install the washer dryer and Joe yells at corndog and Jessica marvels at the food. I marvel at the food. I plot the meals I am going to cook in their kitchen
  44. 5:40 PM - Martha makes fish and salads. Ron looks disappointed, until I open beers. She then informs him she's also making garbage bread but he has beers
  45. 5:45 PM - Jessica and I cheers our first beer in their new apartment!
    Gotta get up to get down coffee stout
  46. 6:00 PM - I accidentally step on Corndog.
  47. 6:15 PM - Joe and I eat too much jerky
  48. 6: 35 PM - We eat salad and fish. I can smell garbage bread
  49. 7:00 PM - Martha cuts the garbage bread
  50. 7:10 PM - Martha exclaims in wonder that the garbage bread is gone. I rub my food baby and drink another beer
  51. 8:00 PM - everyone pokemons. Ron opens his eyes long enough to complain
  52. 9:00 PM - everyone but Jose and I go to bed
  53. 11:00 PM - I fall asleep on the blue chair like a drunk college night
  54. MONDAY
  55. 5:45 AM - wake up and have coffee with Mom and dad
  56. 6:15 AM - I leave for work, nervous about traffic
  57. 6:30 AM - park my car in the farther away state lot and walk my two backpacks, new ottoman, and new hamper back to my apartment. Look goofy as fuck
  58. 7:00 AM - realize mom and dad might see the apartment. Realize I have week old chicken stinking up the fridge. Panic and fix none of this and run to work
  59. 8:00 AM - get to work and make coffee that would make an Italian call it strong
  60. 9:00 AM - text Jessica to wish her good luck at orientation! She's a fancy Vanderbilt student now!
  61. 1:00 PM - meet them by the library to try to make lunch plans. Drag them to back alley dinner (B.A.D.) because everyone's been to Pucketts 1000 times
  62. 2:00 PM - sneak them into my office and introduce dad to the house guys. Give them a tour of how lame my life is. Let Joe push a lever on the control board.
  63. 4:00 PM - sprint to my apartment to meet them, using the actual streets. Find out when I get there my mother climbed the hill thinking I was coming that way and is wandering a construction zone/park tipsy and looking for me
  64. 4:15 PM - we Pokemon. Ron mutters.
  65. 4:30 PM - CHEESECAKE FACTORY
  66. 5:30 PM - Food coma
    And motion sickness in the back of the truck
  67. 6:30 PM - We swim in the new pool. Joe drowns Jessica. Our weekend ends in tragedy
    Jk she asks him to push her head down so she can touch the bottom of the pool 😂
  68. 7:30 PM - we check out the workout room (it's awesome)
  69. 8:00 PM - everyone showers and changes into pajamas and pulls out cheesecake pieces. And red wine.
  70. 9:30 PM - I return to my position on the blue chair, fat and happy. But having just had mom catch an Abra that ran from me
    We come from a long line of Pokemon masters
  71. TUESDAY
  72. 5:45 AM - Get up to have coffee with the parents
  73. 6:15 AM - leave Joe and Jessica to enjoy their first family free moments in their new apartment. Steal brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts for breakfast
  74. 6:30 AM - DON'T HAVE TO CRY BECAUSE I HAVE FAMILY HERE NOW SO MOM AND DAD LEAVING ISN'T THE MOST DEPRESSING THINNG IN THE WORLD!