REASONS MY FRIENDS SHOULD PROBABLY BE DEAD ALREADY

Near death experiences and bad life choices
  1. Alcohol
  2. "What normally stops me from eating more is I accidentally breathe on some of the cake mix and I cough for like 5 mins"
    Talking about a newly developed habit of eating cake mix in spoonfuls nightly
  3. Head trauma
  4. Operating motorized vehicles
  5. Frequent and lengthy trips to Las Vegas
    Suggested by   @darshnim