THINGS MY RELATIVES SAID DURING THE HOLIDAYS (AND MY MENTAL RESPONSES)

They are insane and learning to laugh at their anger and lack of tact is saving me years of anxiety/high blood pressure. This is a bitter and annoyed list and was super cathartic to write.
  1. "What are YOU drinking?"
    Alcohol. The answer is always alcohol
  2. "When I was your age I was married"
    Cool. You also hate your husband. I'm happy and single and eat pizza in bed whenever I want.
  3. "It isn't thanksgiving without mashed potatoes!"
    Yes a starch product determines if this is a real holiday or just a terrible fever dream I'm having
  4. "It was kind of nice I didn't realize I was pregnant for the first six months"
    WHAT. Just what.
  5. "I'm so sorry I will accept all candy crush invitations in the future"
    *pees self laughing*
  6. "I miss the birthday cake your mother used to make. You should have her do that instead and make it gluten free"
    YOU MONSTER WHO SUGGESTS GLUTEN FREE CAKE TO SOMEONE WITHOUT CELIAC. My bakery cake made with vanilla almond buttercream is the thing getting me through this 24 hours
  7. "It's going to be a struggle to fit everyone here when you start dating"
    Yes won't it be a nightmare when I don't have to sleep on an air mattress so you can take my bed
  8. "What happened to that boy who was in all those pictures with you? Why don't you date him?"
    I don't think his boyfriend would like that very much
  9. "Donald trump isn't wrong"
    Runs from room screaming in horror
  10. "He blamed the fart that cleared the room on his two year old"
    I'm actually relieved because it terrifies me her little body could produce that