CRUSHES I'VE HAD

  1. The one who looked like Conan O'Brien
    In high school I was obsessed with this Finnish kid who looked like a fat Conan O'Brien. Well, I wouldn't call him fat. He was average sized. I was obsessed with him for two years and on the night of our high school graduation I sent him a drunk (and highly embarrassing) MYSPACE MESSAGE professing my love for him. Years later, I found out that he had a crush on me too. He lives in Finland now and he's fatter than I am. Truth is? I'd still hit it.
  2. The one who was 8 years older than me
    I went to a broadcasting vocational school right after high school and met this guy who was 25. I was 18. He was actually my first true love. He wrote techno music and wasn't ashamed to put his arm around me and kiss me in public. One time at a hockey game he grabbed my ass and never let it go until we got to my car.
  3. The one who was my Work Flirt
    An adorable guy who was in a hard rock band and had a girlfriend, but we flirted all the time with no shame. If he didn't have a girlfriend I probably would have went for it. One time I made him my famous White Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies and he asked me to marry him on the spot.
  4. The one who I almost Mrs. Robinson-ed.
    There was a 17 year old cart attendant at work that I always flirted with. All I had to do was bat my eyelashes and he would do anything for me.
  5. The one with the handlebar mustache
    While I worked at Target, I kind of became obsessed with one of the managers. He had a handlebar mustache for a while and grew it out to a full on beard, and his girlfriend was heavier set like myself. Whenever him and I would talk he would always have a big smile on my face. When I told him that I loved to bake he actually said to me "you better not tell me you like to bake because I'll come find you" and we had a fucking hot moment. If I were to be the other woman for someone it'd be him.