A Brief History of The Very Legitimate Diets I Have Tried To Get A 'Summer Body'

Spoiler alert: it doesn't exist.
  1. The one where I ate a a bag of crisps and sat on towels because I was scared of the sand. (Age 2)
  2. The one where I thought 'fat' was a curse word, but was self conscious about the hair on my legs so I wore knee-high socks everywhere because my mum wouldn't let me shave. (Age 10)
  3. The one where I ate only green vegetables for three days and got mad at my friends for trying to snack on my tragic tupperware of celery. (Age 15)
    Have mercy.
  4. The one where I spent an hour walking on the treadmill everyday before school and was too tired to concentrate on anything else for the rest of the school day. (Age 16)
    Maximum speed never exceed 3.5mph.
  5. The one where I was convinced I couldn't lose weight and climbed stairs for a whole day in the name of science. (Age 16)
    I cried because it hurt so much that I couldn't walk the next day.
  6. The one where I swam laps on a family vacation until I argued with my sisters and got banned from the pool as punishment. (Age 17)
  7. The one where I gave up carbs, and argued with a friend at a school play for no reason other than deep down being mad because I couldn't eat the fancy finger foods in the foyer. (Age 18)
    Eventually we made up, I gave up, and ate cold pad Thai leftovers straight from the fridge.
  8. The one where I ate a lot of cottage cheese and lived with girls who distorted my perception of a normal body size and healthy portions. (Age 21)
  9. The one where I joined a fancy gym and tried to burn 1200 calories a day. (Age 22)
    I spent the whole summer in the gym, or asleep because I had no energy.
  10. The one where I cried in the parking lot of an In and Out in LA because I ate a protein bar while everyone else ate burgers. (Age 22)
  11. The one where I gave up sugar and was in the best shape of my life but my doctor told me I still needed to lose another 10lbs. (Age 23)
    I also cried in the car again.
  12. The one where I went on my first family vacation in three years and ate a family sized bag of lays on the beach because sand gets stuck in your ass regardless of whether you have abs or not. (Age 25)
    And I'm too old to be crying on family vacations.