My Proudest Accomplishments

  1. peeing in the sink instead of waiting in line at that bar downtown
  2. getting a free haircut at a party after blacking out
  3. burning the whites of my eyes when refusing to wear sunglasses for a full day of snowboarding
  4. getting hired by Home Depot for the dental insurance
  5. chipping my front tooth on salad in Mexico
  6. learning how to use a tape measure to steal candy from a vending machine