On My Own Queerness

  1. I came out as queer this week.
  2. Granted, it was only to two of my pals (two of my fave people) but I still did it.
    Okay since starting to draft this I have also told @lesbian
  3. This has been a long time coming.
  4. The first time I ever questioned my sexuality was when I was fourteen, I'd kissed a girl and had a group of my friends hound me with "are you a lesbian?!" and "so you're bi now?!" Which basically shut me the damn hell up.
  5. Especially over the past few years while I've been working towards reclaiming my body after rape, the pressures from friends to "identify myself" as though that deeply personal information about me was owed to them, always fucked me up. I rebelled against their pressure by saying I didn't know, or ignoring them altogether.
  6. Since starting counselling again, I've felt like it's important to my recovery to be honest. Not just with myself or my counsellor, but with the people around me as well. It doesn't feel enough to just admit stuff to myself.
  7. A few weeks ago I was up in Auckland to see my pal Stella. She manages a drag show and performs as both a drag king and bio queen. We went to three drag shows, one which happened to a be a benefit for Pulse Orlando that she helped to organise.
    After the show a man went up to her and told her how he normally hates bio queens for invading queer spaces, a subject which Stella and another drag queen Stephii Onassis discussed the following day, their main issue being that this person had invalidated Stella's queerness by deciding for her that she was a cishet woman. This conversation, and spending the whole weekend surrounded by people who were so unapologetically queer, played a big part in reigniting my own questioning of my queerness.
  8. Because of issues I have regarding physical contact and intimacy in the wake of sexual assault, I have held back from identifying myself as one particular label. I've felt myself invalidating my own queerness because I'm not currently dating someone and have no immediate want to date someone.
  9. I'm not attracted to one particular gender. And to be perfectly honest I don't know when I will be ready to date someone. So an official Label™ doesn't feel necessary to my life right now.
  10. But I'm queer, officially.
  11. Yep so that's it, I don't know how to end this. Peace.