Things My Hillbilly Mother Has Said

  1. If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt.
  2. He's grinning like a mule eating briars.
  3. That's like a two dollar hair cut on a fifty cent head.
  4. She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water just to get a drink.
  5. When I asked you to sweep the room I didn't mean for you to sweep it with your eyes.
  6. I'm busier than a cat covering up shit.
  7. He suffers from cranial-rectal disorder.
  8. (While sitting in my new car at night that had orange dash lights instead of the traditional green lights) I feel like I'm sitting in a goddamn cockpit.
  9. If I wanted shit from you I would squeeze your head.
  10. Do I have to do everything for you? Breathe in, breathe out!
  11. You sound like a horse eating cabbage.
  12. Next time pull on your earlobes to get your head out of your ass.
  13. (Upon seeing my thin hair pulled back in a ponytail) You look like a peeled onion.
  14. I couldn't warm up to him if we were cremated together.