I do my very best to be a good steward for the environment but some things need to go.
  1. Toyota Prius - Some people complain about the boring style. Not me. I just don't like the way they sneak up on me at intersections with their silent engines. As I cross, there's the Prius front quarter panel only feet from my body, silent and waiting like a panther stalking an antelope.
  2. Snakes - "We should love all God's creatures." Nope. Fuck that. Snakes are like the Prius. They slither and sneak up in complete silence waiting to maim your leg with venous poison. Go away snakes or I will squash you on sight.
  3. Natural Deodorant - Stop using it. It doesn't work. In fact it makes you smell worse. It just takes your B.O. and heightens the stink by adding in details of sage and clover.
  4. Compost bin - I love the idea in theory and have 2 composers in my yard. That said, if a terrorist ever wanted me to give up all the information I know about my family and country, they would just need to stick me in a compost bin for 10 seconds. Beatings? Not a peep. Compost bin - I'll tell you everything.
  5. Composting toilet - Do I even have to explain? See compost above.