Sorry, I swear I'm not this pretentious irl.
  1. I love ice cream, arguably too much.
  2. Actually there's no argument. I definitely do.
  3. But there's a reason, a very valid reason, ice cream is so iconic in my mind.
  4. Ice cream is the [insert favorite franchise here] Band Aid of the edible realm.
  5. Seriously, I've thought a great deal about this.
  6. Ice cream has quasi-healing powers, just like a Band Aid. Let's rap:
  7. When you're little, and you fall down and scrape your knee, you get a Band Aid.
  8. The Band Aid does virtually nothing to actually assist in the healing process, it just seals the wound so that new bacteria doesn't enter the injury and cause an infection.
  9. The injury will heal just as quickly without a Band Aid as it does with it, save one detail: if you have a Band Aid covering it, even though you can still feel the pain, you aren't constantly looking at the oozing wound and are therefore less likely to pick at the scab.
  10. This DOES help in the healing process.
  11. Now, let's look at ice cream.
  12. When you're wounded--you or a loved one gets bad news, you have struggles with work or social activities, you miss your friends, or the ever-popular broken heart--ice cream is a perfect Band Aid for your soul.
  13. Does ice cream actually help you fix the problem in any way?
  14. Of course not.
  15. However, when you're sitting on the floor in the corner under your favorite blanket, crying into a pint of Krazy Kookie Dough Kreme, you can have this moment of release, of reflection, and of distraction in the form of oh-my-holy-lord-this-is-so-effing-delicious.
  16. And in your euphoric state of ice cream devouring, even though you can still feel the pain, you also can't see it as clearly as you could when your tongue wasn't dancing the conga.
  17. Just like when a Band Aid keeps you from picking at your scab, ice cream can--if you make yourself focus your thoughts* on how orgasmic it tastes every time you bring that tasty cream to your lips--divorce your mind from the problem enough to remind you that there IS still some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for.
  18. (Not a perfect metaphor, because sometimes you don't need to fight so much as crawl into the bathtub for a hot soak. But whatevs, LOTR is never wrong.)
  19. I'm telling you, ice cream is a diluted phoenix tear. It can't magically heal you, but I declare it can help on those nights when the whole world has joined forces against you.
  20. *If you, like me, sometimes have difficulty with self-control when it comes to thoughts--or even more disastrous, fingers oversharing in a BIG way on the Internet--it's recommended you call in back up in the form of a friend, someone to whom you can vent in a safe space and who won't let you fill the cosmic void with stuff you'll regret.
  21. ^It should be noted that this is the number one reason ice cream is my Band Aid of choice: cold sugar going down your throat is less likely to cause you to make a fool of yourself than a few shots of alcohol. In my experience, anyway.