This is a part of myself I've alluded to in lists and comments past, but always with a sense of bravado. Never admitting how deep in despair I was at the time. The epilogue of everything came to a head last Sunday night, and I've grown weary of carrying around the weigh. I ache to rid myself of the ghosts and start anew. Ergo, tada.
  1. So. Backstory.
  2. In the early months of this year, I was probably the loneliest I have ever been, or ever hope to be.
    After seeing friend after friend get married or engaged, I suppose.
  3. And I opened a few accounts on dating apps.
    Tinder, Bumble, Whisper (not technically a dating app but people use it like one)
  4. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, guys on those apps actually thought I was beautiful?!
    Not really, obviously. Keep reading.
  5. Some of them were very up front about what they wanted.
    "Do you ever takes n00ds?"
  6. Others were much more subtle with it.
  7. One guy, a Bumble guy, was beyond sweet.
    I'm not going to gush or anything, because it turned out BAD and brings up awful things, but I genuinely fell for him. Hard.
  8. But after he had me enchanted (honestly not hard to do, desperate for compliments and attention duh) he started slowly needling me to send him pictures—not full nudes at first,
    just starting with my legs, my bare shoulders, my get the idea.
  9. This went on for a while, and I kept floating along with all of his "little" requests.
    Including one to make him a video. It was about ten minutes long, and he said he loved it and told me I was a good girl and that he couldn't wait to meet me now that I'd proven myself.
  10. Until eventually I looked back and realized I was miles from the shore. And ended it.
  11. I stayed solid for about a month, and then went back to the dating sites—including Whisper.
  12. But this time, I'd decided not to be foolish with my heart. I'd give them my body in exchange for them telling me I'm beautiful. Because that's what all guys want, right?
    This was past me's genuine opinion.
  13. But my heart was mine alone.
  14. This obviously all stopped several months ago (which is a whole different story that I'll share at another time) but this was my pasttime when I wasn't at work. Sharing pieces of my physical form to guys who used me as a digital centerfold.
  15. Which brings me to the reason for this list, which is the rest of the story from this one—> WHEN THE WORDS WON'T COME
  16. That night, I received this message on Instagram.
  17. Static
    Okay, I remember this guy. He was weird but sweet.
  18. Static
    Make the money myself? Um...kind of hard to believe somebody would pay for images of my body...
  19. Static
    Only $15? Okay. I'm not even worth a blu-ray. Now that actually makes sense.
  20. Static
    This was a lie, I'll admit it. I never thought Peyton and I were going to be a thing. He didn't even have pretty words when he complimented me.
  21. Static
    Can I just say it? I'm NOT your friend dude.
  22. Static
    Because if he was really going to sell my videos to someone in Canada I needed to know. For some reason.
  23. Static
    Deep sigh of relief. I feel genuinely better.
  24. Static
    "I'm a hero in a way"? 😏
  25. Static
    A HERO?! 😂
  26. I can joke about this now because it all resolved itself nicely, but at the time I was a hot mess of panic.
    Literally, I was sweating. Horrible scenarios flooded my mind. But none of them happened, so all is well. Unless this crops up again someday...
  27. Forgiveness doesn't mean escaping consequences.