HEAVY LIGHTNESS

Needed to get this demon off my chest, even if this list doesn't get the response I shouldn't want so badly.
  1. I am troubled.
  2. Is troubled the word?
    Perplexed? Anguished? Vexed? Overwrought? Discombobulated? All of these in one is me, and I am all of them.
  3. For the first time in my life, I am not the one who loves more.
    The whole of my existence has been spent in gaping, fragile-hearted dismay due to loving those who would not love me back. It is horrid, truly, but it is familiar to me.
  4. I am beside myself with worry that I may be hurting someone about whom I care a great deal—though not, I believe, as much as he.
    He assures me that it's alright, yet still I feel guilt. He would never want me to feel it, but it remains just the same. How do I vanquish this shame?
  5. Worse, it seems impossible for me to not drag this worry into the light of a perfectly smiley day.
    My mother and I are researching therapists close to us this Saturday. I have a LOT of things to work through, and not just concerning my relationship. I'm having to come to terms with what I am, even the uncomfortable stuff.
  6. The idea of my seeing a therapist makes me highly uneasy, because while exposing myself on paper or in digital ink isn't overly taxing, face-to-face disclosures are an entirely different matter. But I think this is something I have to do, for me, for us, for everyone I know who loves me—which is mystifyingly more than just my parents.
    If I can be brave enough to do this, I will be forever grateful to him. Because he's one of the biggest reasons I'm doing this, if not *the* biggest reason. He says I'm his actual dream girl walking on earth, the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I make his life better just by choosing to keep living it. I have to at least try to live up to that. Besides, yesterday alone convinced me that I don't want to give up on the things I love about us.
  7. Yesterday he didn't pressure me for a real answer when I told him I was just "okay" and not really feeling much other than my severely runny nose.
    Cue the violins.
  8. Yesterday I spent all 8 hours I was at work periodically crying on him through cybernated letters in his palm.
    Guilt and indifference and heartache and anxiety and fear and
  9. Yesterday I snuck into the bathroom at work and sat on the floor and whisper-screamed to him through the phone.
    Doubt and sorrow and sickness and mutilation and impatience and wandering and—
  10. Yesterday he waited for me outside my work and wrapped me in a hug as soon as I got to my car.
    Peace.
  11. Yesterday when he was kissing me I started quoting Shakespeare lines that had been bouncing through my head all day.
    R: "Why then O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing of nothing first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms, feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!" ||| J: "Swear not by the moon! The inconstant moon that monthly changes in a circled orb!"—R: "What shall I swear by?"—J: "Do not swear at all, or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self which is the God of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee."
  12. Yesterday we watched Stranger Things in my basement, and I curled up on him like a kitten.
    I even purred. Literally.
  13. Yesterday when he had to leave he took my Spyder knife with him, "to stop you from doing anything worse than what you've already done." I told him I wouldn't do anything worse. He asked me if I'd do it again. I said I didn't know. We both knew I was lying.
    He's cognizant of the fact that I live in a house with a kitchen; there will always be knives. But after I'd showered he called me and told me he wished he could kiss my new wounds and that he loves me still.
  14. Yesterday he taught one of his cats how to fetch.
    My favorite one of his cats, and he showed me a demonstration on Skype as I was falling asleep.
  15. Yesterday I went to bed cocooned in his blanket, clutching his Mew stuffed plushie in the same way that I clutch to him when he slumbers beside me, when in sleeping I am still and deep and warm.
    And safe.
  16. 💞
    I've talked to a few of you in the past re: my seeing a therapist, be it that you had personally visited one or simply encouraged me to do so, and wanted you to know I'm making a step forward. I hope. Maybe this public service announcement will keep me from chickening out? @e @dubstep @nantea @hermionegranger @nikkilounoel @lizabeth