Needed to get this demon off my chest, even if this list doesn't get the response I shouldn't want so badly.
- •I am troubled.
- •Is troubled the word?Perplexed? Anguished? Vexed? Overwrought? Discombobulated? All of these in one is me, and I am all of them.
- •For the first time in my life, I am not the one who loves more.The whole of my existence has been spent in gaping, fragile-hearted dismay due to loving those who would not love me back. It is horrid, truly, but it is familiar to me.
- •I am beside myself with worry that I may be hurting someone about whom I care a great deal—though not, I believe, as much as he.He assures me that it's alright, yet still I feel guilt. He would never want me to feel it, but it remains just the same. How do I vanquish this shame?
- •Worse, it seems impossible for me to not drag this worry into the light of a perfectly smiley day.My mother and I are researching therapists close to us this Saturday. I have a LOT of things to work through, and not just concerning my relationship. I'm having to come to terms with what I am, even the uncomfortable stuff.
- •The idea of my seeing a therapist makes me highly uneasy, because while exposing myself on paper or in digital ink isn't overly taxing, face-to-face disclosures are an entirely different matter. But I think this is something I have to do, for me, for us, for everyone I know who loves me—which is mystifyingly more than just my parents.If I can be brave enough to do this, I will be forever grateful to him. Because he's one of the biggest reasons I'm doing this, if not *the* biggest reason. He says I'm his actual dream girl walking on earth, the best thing that's ever happened to him, that I make his life better just by choosing to keep living it. I have to at least try to live up to that. Besides, yesterday alone convinced me that I don't want to give up on the things I love about us.
- •Yesterday he didn't pressure me for a real answer when I told him I was just "okay" and not really feeling much other than my severely runny nose.Cue the violins.
- •Yesterday I spent all 8 hours I was at work periodically crying on him through cybernated letters in his palm.Guilt and indifference and heartache and anxiety and fear and
- •Yesterday I snuck into the bathroom at work and sat on the floor and whisper-screamed to him through the phone.Doubt and sorrow and sickness and mutilation and impatience and wandering and—
- •Yesterday he waited for me outside my work and wrapped me in a hug as soon as I got to my car.Peace.
- •Yesterday when he was kissing me I started quoting Shakespeare lines that had been bouncing through my head all day.R: "Why then O brawling love! O loving hate! O any thing of nothing first create! O heavy lightness, serious vanity, misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms, feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health, still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!" ||| J: "Swear not by the moon! The inconstant moon that monthly changes in a circled orb!"—R: "What shall I swear by?"—J: "Do not swear at all, or if thou wilt, swear by thy gracious self which is the God of my idolatry, and I'll believe thee."
- •Yesterday we watched Stranger Things in my basement, and I curled up on him like a kitten.I even purred. Literally.
- •Yesterday when he had to leave he took my Spyder knife with him, "to stop you from doing anything worse than what you've already done." I told him I wouldn't do anything worse. He asked me if I'd do it again. I said I didn't know. We both knew I was lying.He's cognizant of the fact that I live in a house with a kitchen; there will always be knives. But after I'd showered he called me and told me he wished he could kiss my new wounds and that he loves me still.
- •Yesterday he taught one of his cats how to fetch.My favorite one of his cats, and he showed me a demonstration on Skype as I was falling asleep.
- •Yesterday I went to bed cocooned in his blanket, clutching his Mew stuffed plushie in the same way that I clutch to him when he slumbers beside me, when in sleeping I am still and deep and warm.And safe.
- •💞I've talked to a few of you in the past re: my seeing a therapist, be it that you had personally visited one or simply encouraged me to do so, and wanted you to know I'm making a step forward. I hope. Maybe this public service announcement will keep me from chickening out? @e @dubstep @nantea @hermionegranger @nikkilounoel @lizabeth