SELF-LOATHING

  1. Today I had an appointment with a therapist.
    I've never seen a therapist in my life, because opening up to someone face to face is basically the most intimidating thing I can imagine.
  2. I was petrified, but still I was determined to get help.
    I gots lotsa middle class white girl problems that in beyond ashamed of because I'm so blessed so why do I feel this way.
  3. As soon as my work day ended, I sauntered to my car, input the address into my mom's GPS, and started out.
  4. When I arrived at the instructed area, the suite I was meant to be entering wasn't there.
  5. I needed 108.
  6. There was 110.
  7. There was an Edward Jones financial firm.
  8. There was a King College recruitment office.
  9. There was 106.
  10. There was no 108.
  11. I circled the entire block four times in my car, hoping against hope that I somehow overlooked 108.
  12. It wasn't there.
  13. I called the woman meant to be counseling me.
  14. She didn't answer.
    Presumably because she was in her invisible office waiting for me.
  15. I left a voicemail apologizing, but still haven't heard back.
  16. I called my mom.
  17. She was furious at me for not getting out of my car and going to look for the office.
    Like it's so easy to just walk into random buildings and ask people to point me in the direction of a THERAPIST'S office?!
  18. Honestly...
    This fear of people's perception of me is one of the principle reasons I'm seeing a therapist in the first place?!
  19. Seriously how does she not get how crippled I am by this lostness right now.
  20. Now I'm sitting behind a random building in my car refusing to cry because today was supposed to be the day I set out on a path towards not finding everything about myself revolting but instead I am now more pathetic than ever.