A censored diary list.
  1. Summer has always been my least favorite season.
  2. The truth is, I *LIKE* school.
  3. I like the routine and the classes and the grades and the being forced to meet new people and the collective complaining about the difficulties of academia.
    A big part of me wants to go back. But what for? Besides, I'm not sure I could handle the stress now that I'm mentally and physiologically contaminated.
  4. And summer is when that halts for a few months.
    I think that was the beginning of my War On Summer.
  5. Worse, the heat is oppressive.
  6. It weighs down on my body, makes me feel as if I'm in a constant state of resisting fainting into a deep sleep.
    I've always despised being hot, but the contamination has worsened it.
  7. The thing about September, is that
  8. To me,
  9. It's like that first shower after a week spent backpacking in the dry Colorado mountains,
    I will never reek as dreadfully as I did when I stepped into that shower and the water hit my body. I will also never feel as clean as I did when I stepped out.
  10. Or that first American meal at the end of a 39-hour day coming home after spending a month in China,
    When it's 4am and you get a giant platter of chocolate chip and peanut butter chip waffles and chocolate milk and it makes you feel hella queasy but also like you're finally back in a place where your soul can relax.
  11. September marks the beginning of my favorite time of the year,
  12. And the beginning of things is always my favorite part.
    I make a great first impression, and then fade over time. Character flaw.
  13. And the arrival of *this* September in particular I am praising Yaweh for, because this has probably been the longest summer of my life.
    I've had some very high highs. But also some very, very low lows. Subsubterranean.
  14. I'm resolving to make more nights in September like last night, when I was participating in life and everything was really really lovely
    Until it ended and suddenly it wasn't. But more on that later.
  15. The important thing is, this September I am turning 25 years old and I have never before felt so crushingly encapsulated by my existence.
  16. But in spite of all that plagues me, the fact remains that September is hours away and my only option is to really try to soak in the good and attempt to deal with the rest.
    I'm already intimidated by the month to come. I have high expectations for things, and........well I won't say they're NEVER met........but I am almost always disappointed. Which worsens my mental state. And I don't know how to fix it. Man I'm a downer today. 😔
  17. Anyway. I'm glad this awful summer is finally ending soon. End of censored diary entry.