THINGS I'M GOING TO TRY TO START DOING INSTEAD OF LI.STING

Inspired by @SpaceCase.
  1. Read more books.
    I miss the adolescent days of reading on the bus to and from school, reading to fill blank spaces during class, coming home and rushing to my bed to read until dinner, then going right back to reading as soon as I'd eaten. My entire life revolved around the written word. I need more of it to center on that again.
  2. Strengthen existing bonds.
    I don't have *that* many people in my life, but those I have I've been neglecting lately because I've been so consumed with insecurity and self loathing. Which brings me to...
  3. Achieve beauty.
    Fat chance. (I said I was going to TRY to do these things, not genuinely manage to do it.) I would be 3000% happier if I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw, instead of picking apart the tall glob of flaws that comprises my being. I haven't spoken even with my therapist about the tangled wilderness known as my physical deficiencies.
  4. (Related to Beauty) Drink more water.
    This will improve my weirdo frustrating skin and keep my sodium in check.
  5. (Related to Beauty) Lose thirteen pounds to attain my "normal weight" on the BMI scale.
    Then keep losing weight. Repeat until death.
  6. Thank people who inspire me.
    Exhibit A: Thank you, @SpaceCase, for this beautiful line that I feel I relate to all too well.
  7. Write more letters.
    I used to write letters all the time. I haven't the last few years because my handwriting has degraded since my diagnosis, but I want to start again.
  8. Make steps to actually figure out my life.
    Mental pro/con lists aren't bad, but I can compose a new one every single day and still not change even the tiniest facet of reality. I need to get on it. My assignment from my therapist is to look up information about enrolling in grad school to earn a degree in library sciences. Which is hilarious because people on my life—including my mom—have told me I should do that for years. In my head that was such a limited degree to hold, but after talking with my therapist I don't think so anymore.🤔
  9. Spend fewer monies.
    I'm leaving my job as a toddler teacher at the end of the semester, which means I'll be back to a base income of zero dollars. Growing up rocks.
  10. Be less present on Li.st.
    Somehow this update has really affected me in a way I'm ashamed to even admit. It isn't entirely the update, but it's made the things that awaken my envy more accessible. It's absurd and embarrassing and painful, because there are people here whose hearts I dearly care about—probably more than I should, honestly.
  11. But I think this app has become less of a comforting community for me and more of a kind of self-harm vice. Before I even open the app, I know I will be negatively impacted by the words of one person or another {all of whom have no idea how strongly their lists affect my insecure spirit}, yet still I open it, deliberately seeking that self hatred.
    Which often leads me down a spiral—a funk on the best days, an abyss on the worse. I've begun so many poems about this phenomenon, all with the same title, but then have been too humiliated to publish—or even finish—them.
  12. I realized how much validation from people on Li.st meant to me once the update happened and my lists were no longer recognized even by the limited numbers of people I reached previously.
    Because har har I'm an attention whore please like my lists so I feel you like me, right? Except yes. When I pour my heart out and don't get much response it hurts stupidly more than it should. I genuinely fed off of that, I sought—heck, still seek—approval like a dog seeks his owner. It isn't healthy, but it's true. I recognize it's absurd. But still it gets me down at times. {COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY 👁👁}
  13. It's things such as this that make me realize you can still be a narcissist while loathing yourself.
  14. Live without fear.