I get high off awards season. Seriously, I've never done drugs, but the rush I feel seeing the actors all sitting in one room?! Euphoric. My AS depression is an annual thing; I'm not saying it isn't stupid--it is--but I'm just laying it out while I feel it starting to kick in. FYI I will probably awaken-->😳-->🗑
  1. Seeing all of these men and women who I love all dressed up.
  2. Knowing that they all interdate and stuff and even THOSE women can't hold onto the men?!
  3. I. Am. ScaREWD.
    If even 👸🏻 can't hold onto 👱🏻, 👹 certainly can't.
  4. Also, literally every year I get really sad thinking about the fact that I'm going to go my whole life never having met Leonardo DiCaprio.
  5. Like I know that's ridiculous, but I just adore him. He's SO gifted, and he tried to do so much good for the planet, and as someone who grew up in the 90s in a city founded by a chemical plant, I am SO interested in that.
  6. The thought of how much we take Earth for granted when there are options? It blows my freaking mind. Seriously. America acts like we're going to be this great superpower for the rest of time but we don't really take action to heal our world? ARROGANT AND DUMB. We are the Gaston of nations.
  7. And I think about that and I think about the year I found out he cared about the earth too.
  8. And how every time I dry my hands on my jeans instead of paper towels or recycle things instead of throwing it the trash, and how my parents always scoff at that because "one paper towel isn't really making a huge difference," and I would always--STILL always--think of him and how he wouldn't say that at all. He'd probably be a teeny bit proud.
  9. And I think about how passionate he is to save the world's tigers--my very favorite large animal for my whole life!--and how tragic it would be if they all died?!
  10. And I think about how, even though I know beyond a doubt that I care way more about him winning awards, he really has priorities straight about them and realizes they don't actually amount to all that much in he grand scheme of things.
  11. And I think about all of these things that I would love to say to this man I've been in love with since he was little homeless Luke Brower, and how I'll never get the chance to say them.
  12. And it makes me irrationally sad.
  13. Ugh. Teeny me just had to fall hard for a global superstar.
  14. And then the Oscars--THE MOST WONDERFUL NIGHT OF THE YEAR!--finally roll around, and I eat my traditional French toast and I see all the gorgeous humans be painfully stunning, and I see Leo wink at people who he's obviously friends with--including Kate and my heart jumps--and I think about how much I've admired this man for most of my existence.
  15. And I just think: "Is all this passionate admiration for naught?!"
  16. Then I remember I live in reality, which can be beautiful but it hardly contains joyful dramatic irony, and realize that the answer is most certainly: YES.
  17. WRITER'S NOTE: Even in years when Leo is not nominated for awards, he is always the object of my admiration desperation. He's simply my main man. You know how in all stories ever there's like The Guy you know the girl's supposed to be with, like even when she seeing other guys you know it's really always going to be The Guy? He is, for me, The Guy.
    I mean obviously I'm not saying we're going to end up in a romance, this is just the easiest analogy I can think of right now.