VULNERABILITY

  1. It's so bizarre the things that get to me.
  2. In 2013, I went to Scotland and fell in love. With the nation. The people. The weather. The tea. Everything.
  3. I met with a group of people at a local church, with whom I was going to partner up and go into schools to meet with kids and give them a safe space to talk and develop emotionally. This was going to last two years. Scotland for two years? Heck yes!
  4. My assigned "partner" was a guy named Blake, whom I had never met.
  5. I came back to the States and began fundraising to leave in the fall of 2014.
  6. About 7 months later, I received the news that Blake would not be able to commit the trip.
  7. Since I was a WOMAN, and our little counseling group was funded by the church, they didn't want me, a WOMAN, to go into the schools without a man. Ergo, my part in this was cancelled as well.
  8. I was crushed. I was cast back into an even blacker depression than normal.
  9. Now here we are in 2016, which means my time in Scotland would be coming to a close in about 5 months had I been able to go.
  10. Saturday night I received news that Blake, the guy I was intended to have spent two years co-leading a group with, was dead.
  11. I have no idea how it happened. Honestly it doesn't really matter.
  12. All I know is that this man whom I never actually met, either in person or in any other way,
  13. Who was only a year older than I am,
  14. Whom I was so certain was going to be one of my closest friends after two years of shared Scottish adventures,
  15. Who was going to somehow teach me how to talk to guys without turning crimson,
  16. Whom I would make chocolate chip cookies for and talk up to girls he thought were 10s,
  17. Who was going to use his musical theater coaching expertise to get me to sing in front of people like I was always encouraged by choir directors to do but was too afraid to do,
  18. Who I would always be able count on to go with me to the Bay for the UK's best fish and chips,
  19. That guy is dead now.
  20. And even though it's ridiculous that I had all of these expectations about what our friendship would be like without ever having even met him,
  21. None of those are ridiculous compared to the fact that he is dead now.
  22. UPDATE: (@mother @jhope71 @bredee @chrisfon @roche @biz) I just found out the cause for his death:
  23. He had pneumonia.
  24. Apparently he had it but didn't go see the doctor for a bit--
  25. I don't know why, he'd just turned 26 earlier this month so maybe he was between health insurance coverages? Maybe he was trapped in the weather? ???--
  26. But by the time he went to the doctor it was too late.
  27. He was too dehydrated for the doctors to do anything,
  28. His organs were already shutting down I guess,
  29. So the doctors pretty much just kept trying to revitalize them as he waited for death.
  30. I cannot believe a young healthy American just died from pneumonia.
  31. People. GO TO THE DOCTOR. Please.
  32. I know it's expensive
  33. But it's less expensive than a funeral.
  34. 😪😪😪