WATCHING THE MARTIAN WITH MY DAD AT 4AM

Alternate title: a few Mark Watney quotes I love.
  1. Mars will come to fear my botany powers.
  2. Luckily, in the history of humanity nothing bad has ever happened from lighting hydrogen on fire. NASA hates fire. Because of the whole “fire makes everybody die in space” thing.
  3. Really looking forward to not dying.
  4. I don't want to come off as arrogant here, but I'm the greatest botanist on this planet.
  5. So now that NASA can talk to me, they won’t shut up. They want constant updates on every Hab system and they got a room full of people trying to micromanage my crops, which is awesome. Look, I don’t mean to sound arrogant or anything but I am the greatest botanist on this planet, so.
  6. So, technically…I colonized Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong.
  7. I’m gonna dip this potato in some crushed Vicodin. And there’s nobody who can stop me.
    It has been seven days since I ran out of ketchup.
  8. Every day, I go out and look at the vast horizons just because I can.
  9. I know that sucks, and it’ll be hard talking to a couple about their dead son. It’s a lot to ask, which is why I’m asking you. I’m not giving up, we just need to prepare for every outcome.
    Please tell them, tell them I love what I do and I’m really good at it. And that I’m dying for something big and beautiful and greater than me. Tell them I said I can live with that. And tell them thank you for being my mom and dad.
  10. And luckily, I have the greatest minds on Planet Earth, really, all of the brainpower on the entire planet helping me with this endeavor. And so far they’ve come up with, “Hey, why don’t you drill holes on the roof of your Rover “and hit it as hard as you can with a rock?”
    We're gonna get there.
  11. I’ve been thinking about laws on Mars. There’s an international treaty saying no country can lay claim to anything that’s not on Earth. And by another treaty, if you’re not in any country’s territory maritime law applies. So Mars is international waters.
    Now, NASA is an American non-military organization. It owns the Hab, but the second I walk outside, I’m in international waters. So here’s the cool part, I’m about to leave for the Schiaparelli Crater where I’m gonna commandeer the Ares 4 lander. Nobody explicitly gave me permission to do this and they can’t until I’m on board the Ares 4. So that means I’m gonna be taking a craft over in international waters without permission, which, by definition, makes me a pirate. Mark Watney, Space Pirate.
  12. Everywhere I go, I’m the first. It’s a strange feeling. Step outside the Rover, first guy to be there. Climb that hill, first guy to do that. Four and a half billion years, nobody here. And now, me. I’m the first person to be alone on an entire planet.
  13. Every human being has a basic instinct to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels a city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.
  14. I know what they're doing. I know exactly what they're doing. They just keep repeating "go faster than any man in the history of space travel", like that's a good thing. Like it'll distract me from how insane their plan is.
    Yeah, I get to go faster than any man in the history of space travel, because you're launching me in a convertible. Actually it's worse than that, because I won't even be able to control the thing. And by the way, physicists, when describing things like acceleration do not use the word "fast."⤵️
  15. So they're only doing that in the hopes that I won't raise any objections to this lunacy, because I like the way "fastest man in the history of space travel" sounds. I do like the way it sounds... I mean, I like it a lot.
    I'm not gonna tell them that.........Okay. Let's do this.
  16. I admit it's fatally dangerous, but I'd get to fly around like Iron Man.
  17. Wait a second you guys are making a bomb without me?!
  18. I am prepared to cut the suit....Well, you see I'm selfish. I want all the memorials back home to be about, just about me!
  19. Did you say 312? Great, I'll wave at you guys as I go by.
  20. I guarantee you that at some point everything’s gonna go south on you. And you’re gonna say this is it, this is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work.
  21. Who am I to talk about loneliness?