REASONS I'M GOING SHOPPING ON BLACK FRIDAY

  1. I am a capitalist devil that thrives on consumerism
  2. I need a new iPhone for, essentially, the same reason as above
  3. I like to watch people fight over merchandise that will be restocked in a week
  4. I want to get trampled (ultimately maimed, not killed) so that I can sue a store and pay off my student loans
  5. Barnes & Noble released a 30% off coupon
  6. The television schedule is acting like this is a regular Friday and I can't stand the 700 Club