TW

  1. i always thought it was kind of silly to include trigger warnings for eating disorders.
  2. anyone who was going to be triggered would just read it anyway.
  3. and what could be more triggering than my own thoughts?
  4. but my coworker is triggering.
  5. i started doing classpass back in the fall, and she did too, right after me.
  6. she then decided she was going to get into fitness and boxing and going to the gym.
  7. she always did harder classes than me. i just do spin and yoga. but she does weightlifting and kickboxing and all those things.
  8. and she talks about it.
  9. all the time.
  10. not a morning goes by that she doesn't tell the room how early she had to get up or how sore she is or how many steps she has.
  11. and i just sit there. sometimes i respond with a half-hearted, normal response.
  12. but inside i am screaming.
  13. is there nothing more interesting to discuss?
  14. what is she trying to prove?
  15. but the real problem is that i am angry.
  16. angry that someone else is allowed to do what i am not allowed to do.
  17. angry that she took something that was supposed to be my thing and decided to do it better than i was.
  18. angry that these things make me angry.
  19. i still want desperately sometimes to do it all over again, to do it better this time.
  20. and i remind myself that there is no doing it better, that my mind is tricking itself into thinking that is possible.