Inspired by real events that took place this weekend
  1. On your anniversary
    Stare deeply into my crusty, gooey, watery, red eyes and tell me you love me. DO IT. AND DONT YOU FLINCH
  2. While chopping an onion
    I had no idea there was a way to make chopping onions worse, but ladies and gentlemen, I have discovered it
  3. The morning you're supposed purchase something from someone on Craigslist
    I'm not drug seeking, I promise!
  4. Just after your deductible resets
    They're pink. I have pink, goopy eyes. Give me that ointment so I can see again.