THINGS I'VE SAID AND IMMEDIATELY REGRETTED

Desperately seeking medication for my foot in mouth disease
  1. "Do you ever rub your head and feel like a baby chicken?"
    I said this to a 16 year old model who just shaved all her hair off
  2. "He won the Super Bowl of basketball"
    I was talking about the NBA championship. The basketball player heard me say this.
  3. "I am so sorry, sir! I didn't see your things"
    After bumping into a homeless man in Morocco who had about a dozen bags
  4. "I'm SO sorry to do this but can I have a bite of your funnel cake?!"
    To a random Midwestern mom at Six Flags (this was not a dare)
  5. "Can I just buy the frosting off the cupcake?"
    Jury is still out whether this a regretful or ingenious question
  6. "Would you hate me if I asked for a fry?"
    To the man sitting next to me at a Knicks game, also to the man sitting next to me at The Bowery, also to the man at South Beverly Grill. I really am sorry to all of you.