Healthy Lifestyle Tricks You'll Never Ever Catch Me Using

The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.
  1. Replacing bread/ wraps with lettuce
    You no longer have a sandwich, you have a hard to eat salad. No way.
  2. Vegetables in dessert
    It's like, it's one thing if you're gonna put black beans in your brownies because you hate yourself. But if you're gonna sit here and try to convince me that they IMPROVE the flavor? Fuck you.
  3. A standing desk
    I KNOW, sitting is the new smoking. But like, also, no it fucking isn't
  4. A juice cleanse
    Chewing is REALLY important to me.
  5. Being paleo
    I can't go 15 minutes without eating cheese