THE FIRST DRAFT OF MY LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT

  1. Have Dan Aykroyd sing "Tainted Love" at my funeral.
  2. In lieu of flowers please have hundreds of Virgin de Guadeloupe candles.
    My funeral theme is going to be Santeria.
  3. During the funeral there must also be snacks.
    Red sweetish fish, Pringles, and little cups of juice. Just like Sunday School. There can also be cool coloring sheets.
  4. All of my grandchildren must stay in a haunted house all night to get my "fortune."
    They'll assume it'll be like any other slasher movie. But, the grandchild who stays the whole night will receive a box with a little note inside that reads "Cherish one another." That'll fuck with their head so much!
  5. At my funeral there will be gift bags containing lavender oil, peppermint tea, bubbles, and other items.
    Guests can trade and swap after the service.
  6. At the end of the funeral the guests will look under there seats. Whomever has a card taped to the underside gets all of my stuff.
    He or she wins the funeral! "Thanks for playing folks, there's more snacks in the back!" This way no one can be mad. "Sorry cousin Timmy, you didn't sit in seat 14H!"
  7. A game of Cards Against Humanity will be played in my honor.
    My own version of sitting shiva. I want to be remembered as I lived-fucked up.