DIARY OF A SHAMEFUL SATURDAY NIGHT, PLUS MONDAY MORNING NOTES FOR IMPROVEMENT

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  1. Being the most high-maintenance hostess ever, aka Sarah I specifically ask you to bring me plain Smirnoff to the pregame and you come bearing Dragonberry Bacardi????? Have you lost your compassion and sense of duty?? Opting to drink a bottle of $6.99 white wine instead
    Note to self: send heartfelt apology text and perhaps a small stuffed bear
  2. Flatly refusing to pay a $40 mandatory open bar price, negotiating it down to $10, asking a semi-acquaintance if it's chill that I borrow $10, forcing assorted guests to share their open bar access
    Note to self: re-consider law school
  3. Upon seeing a college friend, insisting that we "conference," which entailed sitting down on the dirty bar floor and talking shit about her boyfriend standing inches away
    Note to self: ask cruel guest to kindly delete this photo that has been circling (are we wet?)
  4. Being dragged to the bathroom by said friend, where she took a glamorous video of me in a stall slurring "tampons are a social construction!"
    Note to self: delete every form of social media, assume a different identity and begin life anew, preferably on a Greek isle
  5. Publicly and aggressively making out with a likely very nice but more likely very frightened male person against the bar
    Note to self: stop trying to re-live 2012 don't you know you are a classy classy lady now?
  6. Ordering seamless but canceling at the last moment because Lauren "does not want to be a fatty"
    Note to self: get new friends and enjoy a baked ziti pizza tonight in honor of the meal that tragically never was
  7. Sneaking out when skinny friend falls asleep to go in search of pizza around 4 AM. Finding blonde boy in a button up holding a caseless white iPhone 6 asleep on a bench. Waking boy and insisting on taking him out for a bagel, then walking him home. Expecting a marriage proposal but instead got awkward hug.
    Note to self: maybe stop trying to exchange everything bagels for love