WHAT I SAY VS WHAT MY FRIENDS HEAR

I need new friends.
  1. "I wash my hair two or three times a week."
    I bathe twice a week.
  2. "I don't really drink at home too much."
    I don't drink.
  3. "I'm not paying $9 for a beer."
    I don't drink.
  4. "Giraffes are neat."
    I want to decorate my house with giraffe shit. If you see a thing that is giraffe-pattern, or has a giraffe on it, let me know because I am a crazy giraffe person.
  5. "Every culture is different, and I respect that."
    Ask me (again) to talk about all the weird things we ate in Korea.
  6. "I don't like coleslaw/potato salad/macaroni salad/deviled eggs..."
    I don't eat store-bought food, but I can't wait to try YOUR (mayonnaise abomination).
  7. ".... It's just that I really hate mayonnaise."
    I'm on a diet. Tell me how thin I am.
  8. "I just love Jeff Goldblum."
    Jeff Goldblum is my biggest celebrity crush, please text me unsolicited pics of Jeff Goldblum making weird faces.
  9. "Yeah, I'll come to brunch on Sunday."
    Yeah, I want to watch you try and get your money's worth on those bottomless mimosas.
  10. "My fiancé plays video games."
    EITHER: My fiancé plays video games when I permit him to do so. OR My fiancé only plays video games, and that's all he does, and I'm bored a lot.
  11. "I love The Walking Dead."
    I'm gross.
  12. "These grits are so good."
    Have our server bring the chef to our table, so I can awkwardly tell him that the grits are good.
  13. "I have a pet bird."
    I'd like three more pet birds, please be on the look out for people who are trying to re-home a bird they regret adopting.
  14. "Oh god, my ex is here."
    As you can see, my ex is Filipino. You may be aware that my fiancé is Korean. Obviously I have a fever, so please point out every Asian man to me.
  15. "I like to cook."
    Every night I spend three hours making an elaborate meal.
  16. "I quit my job to finish school."
    My fiancé pays for everything.
  17. "Do you want to go to Halloween Horror Nights with us?"
    Quick, make up an excuse to not go.
  18. "My favorite character on Game of Thrones is Davos Seaworth."
    (Speaking in a made-up language)
  19. "Let's check out the new museum exhibits."
    Let's walk as quickly as possible through the museum and then go get a beer.
  20. "It's raining outside, let's stay here a while longer."
    We should leave immediately, and walk somewhere far.