Things I did in the first 24 hours of my 28th year

  1. Sprayed Raid all over my bedroom at 2am to kill 3 spiders.
  2. Slept on the couch after a spider fell in my bed.
  3. Got woken up at 4:30am by a work call.
  4. Tried for a half hour, unsuccessfully, to open a bottle of kombucha without it fizzing all over.
  5. Got a massage for the first time ever.
  6. Went to Trader Joes and bought an eggplant even though I don't like eggplant. Or Trader Joes.
  7. Ate Cheez-its and donuts for dinner.
  8. Cried about my dad being dead.
  9. Found out a woman I want to sleep with doesn't think I'm her type.
  10. Pooped.