Times I Have Almost Pooped My Pants (and the various reasons why)

  1. When I was 26 at an ice cream shop
    I ate 20 dried apricots the night before. I guess because I'm an animal.
  2. In college whenever there was someone else in the bathroom and I had to poop
    I don't like people to be around during my special time.
  3. Pretty much every Saturday morning for the last two years
    My roommate takes 45 minute showers.
  4. When I was at the mall with my mom and aunt that one time
    I refused to use public toilets to poop for a long time.
  5. At girl scout camp
    Because it was a latrine which is much too outdoorsy for my refined asshole.
  6. In China
    Because they were squat toilets and I was afraid to poop in them. I ended up clogging two western toilets. Oops.
  7. At work during a meeting
    Too much coffee.
  8. The few days after my period starts
    Hormones.
  9. Whenever I eat dairy
    Duh.