An ode to Malia H-P.

Malia is leaving the United Kingdom today, returning to Nebraskaland, and I must officially pay some attention to all that I will be losing.
  1. 1.
    Celebrity existentialism
    In the midst of an all nighter at Charles Seale-Hayne library, the #TBT of a former Nickelodeon star's foray into the Met Gala, forced us to question whether this is really it for the young actress? Has her career peaked? Had she realised?And ultimately, is this Gram a cheap representation of the actress' own foray in attempting Hollywood. By questioning what tf this even was, we've definitely cultivated a module of study in media and sociological research for centuries to come.
  2. 2.
    Peanut butter biscuits (cookies)
    The one time Malia made food was a Plymouth citywide event, for janners and stoners alike.
  3. 3.
    "Last girl she fart on the seat"
    Only Malia should truly appreciate this Chance metaphor. Long story short, it is a blessing she replaced the grim previous tenant of her room. I obviously once held minor reservations, after all she had her "anxieties".
  4. 4.
    Tinder notoriety
    Walking around the PLY with Malia is like walking around Sunset Gower Studios with Tiffany Amber Thiessen circa 1989, or Hollywood Center Studios with a Sprouse twin in 2006. You get a delightful feeling that every charming chap has at some point been plotting ways to get inside your close pal.
  5. 5.
    Geofilters
    The only other bloody person in the PLY that will rejoice with me when ever a new geofilter has been added.
  6. 6.
    PC Cultch
    Malia sends you uncomplicated articles about why any kind of derogatory term is offensive, even if it's used by Kanye West
  7. 7.
    Hubbox
    "Oh my God, have you been to Hubbox?" While I responded to this with no for a month, the way she says "Hub-box" is all the good press they need.
  8. 8.
    Millennial shenans
    HBO should invest into a dozen "Girls episodes" for Malia and I to appear in. I still regret not getting dianetics tests at the Scientology clinic, because that would have made for one hell of a season premiere.
  9. 9.
    Soc. Meds
    I felt far less dirty using social media with her around 😢