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  1. They need your phone number... 5 times.
    You're seriously telling me that zero call centers have caller id? In 2016? Or the ability to track all the info I've iteratively spoken into your robot phone-routing machine over the most painful fifteen minutes of faux human customer service in my life? Your system isn't expediting or streamlining shit if nothing I've entered into the phone gets to the person who ultimately takes my call and has me repeat all that info. Also, get some goddamn caller id.
  2. They try to preemptively placate me using the world's most time-consuming and patronizing techniques
    "So I understand your cable box won't turn on when you try to turn it on. I'm very sorry to hear that it won't turn on. I understand that it's important to you that your cable turns on when you want to watch TV, and I apologize for the inconvenience but look forward to working with you to get it working again so you can continue enjoying our services..." This is literally what happens when Cox Cable runs an outrageously unchecked monopoly.
  1. 1.
    It's a Raccoon ladder
    Every night, there's a raccoon rally on my roof. It beckons the raccoons, who have no incentive of being there, except a perfect raccoon ladder, and what I can only assume is a Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
  2. 2.
    Sheds its diseased leaves all over my balcony
    I can't help but feel awkward about sweeping them down into my neighbors' backyard, so I walk them to my kitchen trashcan, simultaneously sprinkling ugly-ass diseased leaves all through my apt.
  3. 3.
    Blocks my view
    With ugly-ass diseased leaves, nonetheless.
2 more...
  1. Highest assists per self-checkout
  2. Slow motion running into things
  3. Glacier-slow returns (pre global warming)
2 more...
  1. 1.
    Stop being sick all the time
  2. 2.
    You work too hard (from boss)
  3. 3.
    Quit losing your keys
  4. 4.
    Anything children say while in front of their respective parents