THINGS THAT *MIGHT* BE IN MY APPENDIX
What the hell do we even need an appendix for, if we can live just fine with it removed? It seems to me it’s just full of extraneous junk we’re never going to read. I often try to guess what might be in my appendix, but every time I imagine it, I always picture stuff I’ve heard “could” be in there, and not stuff that actually “might” be in there.
- 1.GumA big multi-colored wad of gum (chewing and bubble), swallowed through the ages and collected, like Violet Beauregard would, to be chewed again at a later date. It’s possible. I’ve swallowed gum before.
- 2.A nickelI always picture a nickel in my appendix, though I am 100% certain I have never swallowed a nickel (or any coin). I would never put a nickel in my mouth, because someone probably had that nickel up their butt (at least that’s what my friend Sam would have you believe - and I believe it. The world is full of perverts who imagine people putting coins up their butts like some sort of ass piggy bank in reverse).
- 3.A bulletI once heard a story about a man who had his appendix removed and they found a bullet in there. He was as surprised as I would be if there was a bullet in mine, so it’s possible, though to my recollection I’ve never been shot (yet).
- 4.SeedsEveryone inadvertently swallows seed. There are bound to be some apple seeds and orange seeds and watermelon seeds just sitting in my appendix waiting for the day I swallow a shovelful of potting soil so they can grow into trees and sprout out my ears.
- 5.A surprise!I bet there is one totally unexpected thing in my appendix. If I ever have it removed, I can’t wait to have them crack it open like a piñata at a Mexican kid’s birthday party, so I can see what kind of fun pours out. Hey, it’s grandma’s glass eye!