A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 11.07.16 🤕🤒😷😴

EVEN THOUGH I HAVE CONSUMPTION. Because @TVAddict made me. (See THINGS I HAVE DONE WHILE SUFFERING IN BED FROM CONSUMPTION *) Apologies for the delay, my pumpkins.
  1. But would he choose it over Siri?
    That's the real question.
  2. I love a good double down.
  3. I can honestly say I've never watched Joy Behar on anything and yet I still want to root for her. Am I misguided? Educate me.
  4. I DO TOO!!! BESTIES!!!
  5. And mostly I am in love with Rex Parker because of his dazzling portrait. See? Educate me, Rex!
  6. Sorry. I digressed. Back to Joy. This is just genius. Saving in case I have an accidental, late-late-late in life baby.
  7. Also brilliant and should apply to women, too.
  8. She is FULL of good ideas!
  9. A little special feature on people with terrible excuses. First up: Melania Trump apologizing for her spouse. It should just be common knowledge by now that if you are a weak enough person that Billy Bush can egg you on to do ANYTHING, you should reconsider every facet of your life.
  10. Everyone knows you can't throw a decent dog funeral without a TON of cocaine.
  11. There are few pranks funnier than the ol' coke-in-the-pants classic.
  12. This is just brilliant. Last time I murdered someone, I was all, "Acid reflux," and they were all, "You're free to go, ma'am."
  13. Let's hope it's a shirt.
  14. Uh, definitely preferable to skinless?
  15. What I like best about Gaga is that she's pragmatic with her fashion choices.
    Actually, even Bradley Cooper and his face rug know we're over her costume-y ensemble. His expression is the living embodiment of "meh."
  16. I GENUINELY thought she was dressed up as the Tardis before I realized this was not a costume photo.
    And now I cannot unsee it.
  17. Why is she carrying a pumpkin around NYC? Maybe it's her lunch? 🎃
    Or maybe that's actually Tom Colicchio's head!!!
  18. Another week, another item propping up Michael Douglas.
  19. Seems right.
  20. Anyone else feel like Suri will be juuuuuust fiiiiiiine?
  21. Fuck Houdini. The greatest escape anyone ever achieved was Katie Holmes from this mess of a cult.
  22. This week's Haunt My Nightmares image.
    And I say this as someone who is currently reading a book about Richard Speck. These two are still more frightening.
  23. The FBI investigates what happened when Brad was drunk on a flight. Last time I flew, some asshole on the seat in front of me farted his way across the ocean. WHERE WAS THE FBI WHEN THAT HAPPENED? 💺 💨
  24. This is my sass level when I think I've come up with an excellent burn.
  25. Chris and me on our wedding day.
  26. Nope.
  27. RAAAAHHHRR!!!
    Shut up. I have a cold.
  28. US gives Lady Gaga's new album 1.5 stars. I give her 4 stars for somehow looking like Chloe Sevigny.
    I mean, if that's a category. Of something.
  29. I will not get sucked back in. I will not get sucked back in. I will not get sucked back in.
    Hold up. Sheree said WHAT?
  30. Does this look good? This looks good, right?
  31. I
  32. can't
  33. even
  34. Oh, Cobie. I love you. Should you have wound up with Ted? NO. Am I confusing you with your TV character? PROBABLY. Either way, you're this week's winner of the inaugural Leave My Grandma's Shit Alone Award.
  35. And this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery AND the Leave the Golden Girls Shit Alone Award is SIENNA MILLER!!! WHO IS FAMOUS FOR REASONS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! YAY!!!
  36. Okay. That's it. I'm going back to bed.