EVEN THOUGH I HAVE CONSUMPTION. Because @TVAddict made me. (See THINGS I HAVE DONE WHILE SUFFERING IN BED FROM CONSUMPTION *) Apologies for the delay, my pumpkins.
  1. But would he choose it over Siri?
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    That's the real question.
  2. I love a good double down.
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  3. I can honestly say I've never watched Joy Behar on anything and yet I still want to root for her. Am I misguided? Educate me.
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  4. I DO TOO!!! BESTIES!!!
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  5. And mostly I am in love with Rex Parker because of his dazzling portrait. See? Educate me, Rex!
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  6. Sorry. I digressed. Back to Joy. This is just genius. Saving in case I have an accidental, late-late-late in life baby.
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  7. Also brilliant and should apply to women, too.
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  8. She is FULL of good ideas!
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  9. A little special feature on people with terrible excuses. First up: Melania Trump apologizing for her spouse. It should just be common knowledge by now that if you are a weak enough person that Billy Bush can egg you on to do ANYTHING, you should reconsider every facet of your life.
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  10. Everyone knows you can't throw a decent dog funeral without a TON of cocaine.
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  11. There are few pranks funnier than the ol' coke-in-the-pants classic.
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  12. This is just brilliant. Last time I murdered someone, I was all, "Acid reflux," and they were all, "You're free to go, ma'am."
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  13. Let's hope it's a shirt.
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  14. Uh, definitely preferable to skinless?
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  15. What I like best about Gaga is that she's pragmatic with her fashion choices.
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    Actually, even Bradley Cooper and his face rug know we're over her costume-y ensemble. His expression is the living embodiment of "meh."
  16. I GENUINELY thought she was dressed up as the Tardis before I realized this was not a costume photo.
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    And now I cannot unsee it.
  17. Why is she carrying a pumpkin around NYC? Maybe it's her lunch? 🎃
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    Or maybe that's actually Tom Colicchio's head!!!
  18. Another week, another item propping up Michael Douglas.
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  19. Seems right.
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  20. Anyone else feel like Suri will be juuuuuust fiiiiiiine?
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  21. Fuck Houdini. The greatest escape anyone ever achieved was Katie Holmes from this mess of a cult.
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  22. This week's Haunt My Nightmares image.
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    And I say this as someone who is currently reading a book about Richard Speck. These two are still more frightening.
  23. The FBI investigates what happened when Brad was drunk on a flight. Last time I flew, some asshole on the seat in front of me farted his way across the ocean. WHERE WAS THE FBI WHEN THAT HAPPENED? 💺 💨
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  24. This is my sass level when I think I've come up with an excellent burn.
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  25. Chris and me on our wedding day.
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  26. Nope.
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  27. RAAAAHHHRR!!!
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    Shut up. I have a cold.
  28. US gives Lady Gaga's new album 1.5 stars. I give her 4 stars for somehow looking like Chloe Sevigny.
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    I mean, if that's a category. Of something.
  29. I will not get sucked back in. I will not get sucked back in. I will not get sucked back in.
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    Hold up. Sheree said WHAT?
  30. Does this look good? This looks good, right?
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  31. I
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  32. can't
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  33. even
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  34. Oh, Cobie. I love you. Should you have wound up with Ted? NO. Am I confusing you with your TV character? PROBABLY. Either way, you're this week's winner of the inaugural Leave My Grandma's Shit Alone Award.
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  35. And this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery AND the Leave the Golden Girls Shit Alone Award is SIENNA MILLER!!! WHO IS FAMOUS FOR REASONS I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!! YAY!!!
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  36. Okay. That's it. I'm going back to bed.