A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 07.11.16

Lookie here! It's that time of the weekend again. Time for me to serve the li.st community with this invaluable and selfless effort. HOW LUCKY ARE YOU?!?!?! As always, go forth and re-list, my children.
  1. Ugh. I truly wish there were something funny and/or interesting to say about this JoJo person. I just don't think I've ever worked so hard to not know who someone is. And, frankly, it's exhausting.
  2. Also, an aside, but I would much rather see this joe-joe on a magazine cover.
    Probably be infinitely more rewarding to talk to, too.
  3. I've been thinking of starting a new feature called Nobody Gives a Shit but I worry that covers too much of the magazine. Regardless, this would certainly be a candidate.
    Note to self: Katherine Heigl has a blog called HEAVENLY DAYS. Check it out immediately.
  4. This is slightly less than Dirty Grandpa cost to make.
  5. I'm a little concerned that Eminem is peddling bricks from a house that is obviously sided. 🤔
  6. What's in Nia Long's Bag?
    Hopefully it's something to help me remember who Nia Long is. I feel like maybe I knew this in the nineties?
  7. This seems like a great way to teach a kid about growing. "It's painfully slow, incredibly boring and a good number of the seeds won't make it! Wait. Why are you crying, sweetie?"
  8. 25 Things You Don't Know About Maxwell. LIKE WHO HE IS.
    That seems to be the emerging theme of this week's issue: WHO ARE YOU? Older readers might be amused to know I had him confused with Rockwell.
  9. I actually gagged a little reading how he "lubricates" his "vocal cords."
    I mean, this has to be code, right?
  10. That's just a good question to ask yourself anytime.
    "Look at this pile of laundry. Is it something Marvin Gaye would do?"
  11. Our first candidate for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery! This exact pattern was inside the frog I had to dissect in 9th grade.
    (Not for school or anything. I just felt like I HAD to.)
  12. Do I just go ahead and give it to Kris Jenner and throw the rest of the magazine away?
  13. HA HA HA HA HA, you misogynist FUCK.
  14. Nothin' to say. Just this.
  15. Again with the nothing. I think that Kris Jenner outfit broke my brain.
  16. Man, he would punch you in the face and not think twice about it.
  17. Isn't this what it looks like when Lamar tries to squeeze into a regular sized car, too?
  18. It's nice to see Catherine Zeta-Jones feeling healthy and out on a stroll with her great-grandfather.
  19. What in the S&M hell is Emma Stone wearing here? It's like how a half-hearted dominatrix makes a simple sheath work for summer. Another candidate for CCASD.
    And I totally thought Billie Jean King was Ruth Westheimer until I read the caption.
  20. I don't know what's wrong with my brain that the FIRST thing I thought when I saw Reese Witherspoon and some Mason jars is that she's filling them with her urine and selling them on eBay.
    THE. FIRST. THING.
  21. Um, the guy playing Onassis looks way too alive to be convincing.
    In the photo on the left, she may actually be escorting him to his own funeral.
  22. I don't care about their wedding, but I can't help imagining the complex system of pulleys and levers that would be required to give me side boob that perky.
  23. Because if anyone is going to get gun legislation reform passed, it'll definitely be these two.
  24. This week's Haunt My Nightmares pic.
  25. Wait. Scratch that.
    Not the pregnancy part. The Brian-Austin-Green-in-a-fedora part.
  26. Well, I wish I could report that there has been some kind of detente, but we're all still as confused as ever about who is more legit: old supermodels or new supermodels. We will keep you up to date as news from the fronts comes in.
  27. Also, this week's edition of "Cindy Crawford or Caitlyn Jenner?"
  28. Isn't anybody whispering in his ear, "ENOUGH! Just enough with being Jared Leto!"
  29. Look at good ol' Natasha Lyonne, trying her darnedest to take home a CCASD for WHATEVER is this monstrosity. She looks like she's about to be eaten by a vicious strain of sea kelp. Evening sea kelp. From the 80s, no less.
  30. That said, even a sea kelp explosion can't steal the thunder of one Kris Jenner, in her aging woman's sailor baby doll dress. Congratulations, Ms. Jenner! Not only have you irreparably sullied our pop cultural landscape with the fruit of your loins but you also have won this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery!!!!
  31. Phew! Another week over. Are you worn out? I am! But we got through this together. That's great teamwork, America! Now, Go set off fireworks and eat a hot dog. I'll see you next week.