A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 08.08.16 🎉🎈💐

  1. Something I learned this week: there is a JoJo who is a singer and then there is this JoJo who is a bachelorette and they are not the same person!!! So at least all this is proving very educational for me?
    Also, I saw the photo in the upper right hand corner and thought, "What? Sarah Gilbert has cancer?!"
  2. But no. It is ORIGINAL 90210's Shannen Doherty who has cancer and she is doing head-shaving selfies, which is so 2007 Britney.
    Wishing you good health, Shannen! 💐 Because you know she reads my lists. Also, you can damn bet that if I ever shave my head I'm not inviting a model over to help me.
  3. Although, there is this:
    That's gotta make Shannen feel a little better.
  4. Let me assure you, Jon Gosselin, there is no shame in being a cook at TGI Fridays. Being a DJ at TGI Fridays, however, is another matter entirely.
  5. 25 Things You Do NOT Know About Julia Stiles! And none of them is "I am not Erica Christensen."
  6. People, this is a name-dropping extravaganza! She was in a Cyndi Lauper video! Stevie Nicks gave her a necklace! Julia Roberts taught her to knit! She sang onstage with Prince! Robert Deniro gave her an art book! Claire Danes! Gaby Hoffman! But she counter-balances it all with this little gem about her UFC 2 prowess:
    Just "pretty good." Not "amazing." Remarkable humility.
  7. Chrissy Teigen makes me like her even more, that saucy minx, by answering Twitter questions about fame and celebrity.
  8. Seriously? I'm just giving up. Sound the death knell for this beloved feature because at this rate they'll be featuring my sister and her purse next.
    Although, I won't deny getting a kick out of imagining her swimming with her purse.
  9. So many questions. First, is her mom's name D.A. or is she a D.A.? How fabulous would it be if the answer were: both? Also, the 21-year-old's mom makes her a care package with a stuffed animal before every meet? Am I the only one whose mother didn't even come to a full stop when she dropped her at college?
  10. Even the stuffed animal wants no part of it.
    :::stage whisper::: I think she might have killed it.
  11. Who wore it best? How about who wore it least? Wait. Who wore the least? Am I right? Um...never mind.... Just move along... The top of this outfit is giving me a panic attack.
  12. I can tell you for SURE who wore this best. Me, at my eighth grade graduation.
  13. It was me, I was doing both, and I apologize.
  14. Whoa. This seems to be a colossally bad idea, even for a fictional baby.
  15. Jeremy Irons gets a facial applied by, apparently, Bill Murray in a green speedo.
  16. Nope.
  17. "Hi! Heyyyy! Over here! Still alive!"
  18. "Please," he begged. "Please. Just one photo. It's all I have left."
  19. Sure. We're just going to pretend there's not a cardboard cut out of a guitar-playing mouse coming out of his son's head?
  20. Good lord! Where in the dickens does that stick end?!?! 😮😮😮
    If I'm ever gonna get tired of butt jokes, it certainly appears it won't be this week.
  21. Her boyfriend is also her mentor. Sure. That'll work out.
  22. What is UP with Mariah and her insistence on wearing panty hose? She looks like she's come down with a bad case of Mannequin Legs.
  23. Look, I have no idea who this Tom Riley is but I will never pass up an opportunity to note how awesome Lizzy Caplan is.
    If you have not already, please watch Party Down immediately.
  24. DOES THIS MEAN WE ARE ALMOST DONE WITH JOJO????
    But I will say this: whoever does PR for The Bachelorette deserves some kind of friggin' medal. An evil medal, for sure, but a medal nonetheless.
  25. Nothing ever lives up to the first time someone says they want to make love to you on a canvas, does it?
  26. Pippa Middleton is getting married, evidently to Charlie from Party of Five, circa 1998.
  27. There are bleach spills and then there is this. This is just poor housekeeping skills.
  28. Honestly? I was worried we were going to get through this whole issue without a single worthy candidate for the coveted Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery. I was wrong. Thanks, Fantasia!
    These boots are made of teeny-tiny strapless bras, probably originally intended for fashion-forward babies and their strapless onesies.
  29. I don't wanna watch a show about anyone going out into the wild with a Jonas brother unless they're planning on leaving him there.
  30. It feels like cheating when the best candidates for the CCASD are all featured in the fashion police section but God works in mysterious ways. Nonetheless, something about Kristen Stewart's dress reminds me of Kristen Wiig as the Fingerlake sister Dooneese. Keke Palmer looks like an exceptionally hip lady-mechanic from 1978.
    And that is precisely the shirt I would expect Nicole Ritchie to wear if I ran into her at, say, the grocery store.
  31. See?
  32. I genuinely do not know what is happening with Nicole Kidman's dress but I do know it involves one of the pink strapless bras from Fantasia's boots. Next, please turn your attention to the unfortunately-named Nastia, whose dress has eye slits for her HIPS!!!
  33. Or how about this magnificent monstrosity on Juliette Lewis?!?! I imagine this is what Julia Sugarbaker wears when she's really mad.
  34. Still, my mind keeps wandering back to those hip/eye slits. They cannot be unseen which means that, for the first time, I am awarding an outfit the winner of this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery AND Haunt my Nightmares image! 🎈🎉💐❗️
  35. That's enough of this nonsense. If nothing else, I hope this list inspired you to do something far more productive with what remains of your weekend. Thanks, as always, for reading!