A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 06.27.16

Lucky ducks! It's that time of the weekend.
  1. It has now become literally impossible to escape this fucking show. I've never known so much, unwillingly, about a show I've never watched.
    Forget Scientology. The Bachelorette is the cult we should all be worried about.
  2. Although...THIS. Do tell, Orpah!
  3. My imagination, which I like to think is robust, genuinely cannot begin to conjure up an idea of what it must be like inside the mind of this douchebag.
    And I am 100% okay with that.
  4. Things I DO know about Chelsea Handler: if I ever see her at an AA meeting, I won't be surprised.
    Please note that three of her first five items involve drinking. I got sober for less than that.
  5. But don't worry, burners. She's here for you too!
  6. Wow. She really is equal opportunity! I love someone with diverse interests.
  7. So. Close. He almost made it out of office without meeting the terrifying Madonnatron.
  8. As opposed to what? Straight-up Crystal Light powder?
    Dumb fuck.
  9. What's in Ashley Tisdale's bag?!?!
    She travels with a "vegan smoothie in a mason jar." Sometimes it feels like these people are begging me to hate them.
  10. But what I really want to know about is whatever the hell this is.
    And does it have human hair attached to it?
  11. This week's first candidate for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery is Bella Hadid, the fourth or fifth most attractive person in her family. (I feel you, gurl.) If this is some sort of gang uniform, I want jumped in IMMEDIATELY.
  12. I get it, Kerry. That's what I hear every week after people read this list.
  13. Because that's what I think of when I think of Victoria Beckham: go do your political thing! She's practically Madeline Albright.
    In reality, all I think about when I hear her name is an interview where she once compared her husband's equipment to the size of an exhaust pipe. And I suppose that's not really thinking about HER after all, is it?
  14. This is what it would look like if Prince Harry were just a head growing from his brother's shoulder.
    I'd watch that movie.
  15. And Princess Beatrice demonstrates the Royal family's strong ongoing support for the dairy industry by wearing a hat made of solid cheddar.
    This photograph also captures the moment of impact when a beautiful bird collided with her sister's head. Talk about a decisive moment.
  16. This week's round of "Caitlyn Jenner or Cindy Crawford?"
    And I'm STILL not sure of the answer.
  17. These shorts make Katie Holmes' penis look ENORMOUS.
  18. This week's "Haunt My Nightmares."
    I'd have those twins from The Shining over for tea before I'd let you leave me alone in a room with these soul suckers.
  19. Oh, what the holy hell is this outfit? This is from the new Exxon-Valdez collection. Watch out, Bella Hadid. This is a run for your money.
  20. Selena Gomez eats a well-deserved snow cone after an exhausting afternoon of frantic hippie dancing and macrame.
  21. Does this seem weird? Don't most celebrities try to hide where they live? SJP's all "CELEBRITY HOME!!!" 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈
    Also, I love that the caption is "THEY DECORATE!"' as though this is her interior design aesthetic.
  22. It certainly looks like this guy is about to fill Kendall's tank IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
  23. Oh, THANK GOD!
    I definitely haven't heard enough about this.
  24. Oh, THANK GOD, part 2!!
  25. The Osment item would make a good Cards Against Humanity card, no?
  26. Who in the HELL is in charge of Selena Gomez's PR? I want to hire them STAT, solely to promote this list.
  27. If you ever wanna punish me, lock me in a room with only this chick's reading selections.
    "Uh, excuse me, guard? I'd like to opt for death instead, please?"
  28. I would not eat this, but if it were an actual bar, I would definitely consider going.
  29. Honestly. Is it even remotely possible that somewhere out there is a person who gives two shits about what Jesse Metcalfe watches?
    Even his mother is all, "Hard pass!"
  30. Oh, wow. Well played, Robyn with a y. Please come forward and accept this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery!
  31. There are some things in life you just come to rely on and take comfort in. This is where I post funky outfits and then @jennifergster comments on how she'd wear all of them. ❤️🙌🏻💯
  32. Enjoy your weekend! See next time, yo.