A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 09.26.16 🦂🍽🎬💺⌚️

Is it Saturday already?!?!
  1. WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH BETHENNY'S FACE???
    I mean...I have no idea who that person is and most certainly have not watched several seasons of the Real Housewives of New York while in a deep depression.
  2. "I was protecting what I see as my one talent in the whole world being belittled." This is precisely how I would feel if anyone made fun of my ability to do the Monday New York Times crossword puzzle.
  3. I grew up in the 80s, Kiefer Sutherland, so I know an AWFUL LOT about you. Bring it.
  4. I like to think this is exactly how this conversation went. 'And then Jude said, "Yes. Yes, I will help you." And I said, "Thank you. You are my friend."'
  5. Wait. Your kid was born swaddled? That's incredibly efficient. And, one would assume, incredibly uncomfortable for her mother.
  6. AND I WISH I HAD INVENTED SLICED BREAD BUT HERE WE ARE.
    Really reaching there, Kiefer.
  7. Oddly, I think of him as 4"3'.
    Why would you think that people think you're taller? Is that something people generally think about other people?
  8. Do they, though?
  9. Feuds of the week! If we take nothing else from this, let us all start referring to ourselves as #unbothered.
  10. Yeah. That's mostly where Batman vs. Superman's $250 million budget went: Spandex.
    Also, who are these "real" superheroes Gibson's talking about? Like, Hitler?
  11. Piper Perabo! I cannot tell you how much I enjoy saying her name! Piperperabopiperperabopiperperabo! See!
    She sounds like a sassy girl-detective from the 1940s. Or, like, a stripper.
  12. PIPER PERABO IS NOT FANCY.
  13. But she does carry incense sticks with her and "light[s] them everywhere." Sigh. It's not that I want to punch her in the face, but also I do.
  14. She carries around a map of Santa Cruz. This is weird, right? It's like she got "purse" confused with "junk drawer."
  15. Wildflower seeds? I AM OUT.
  16. Lion jacket. <— literally all I can come up with.
  17. We all were, dude. We ALL were.
  18. Katie Perry, mistress of the metaphor, rightly comparing our potentially disastrous future as a union to selecting an entree for a wedding reception.
  19. This is what we call "almost evolving." So close.
  20. Well, there's this. Some kind of light drapery material over a tan bodysuit. And boots. Probably from the "Ennui by Kanye" collection. You guys, again, I don't even know what to say about this. I might be broken.
  21. I think we pair up Miss America Savvy Shields with Piper Perabo and we have a madcap caper on our hands!
  22. Michelle Williams always strikes me as this fragile, delicate flower who needs protecting. I do wish someone had protected the bottom half of her dress.
  23. Will Arnett poses with two young women, both of whom are wayyyy too old for him to date either on screen or off! No wonder he looks so alarmed.
  24. "I think it's, like, a book or something maybe? Or, like...a menu?"
  25. Bravo, genetics. Bra. Vo. :::slow clap::::
  26. I want you to know that Lourdes Leon goes to the University of Michigan here in Ann Arbor and has not ONCE stopped by to introduce herself, which just seems kind of rude.
  27. Well, this is a shoe-in for this week's Haunt My Nightmare image.
    That is TERRIFYING.
  28. Just like Betty in season five of Mad Men.
  29. PACEY SURFING!!!
  30. THOSE. EYES. 😱
  31. "Yep, I'm still pretty. Phew!"
  32. I am ALSO withholding my phone number from Justin Bieber, ALSO for the sake of my mental health.
  33. A PLAY, you guys! They are writing a PLAY together. This is the best news I have ever heard.
    And just in time, since we sadly lost Edward Albee today. I think it's safe to say they will fill his shoes.
  34. A nightmare so hideous, she had to sit on her bedroom floor to ponder it. 😮
    That's bad, y'all.
  35. She also stole Constance Zimmer's haircut.
  36. Four Seasons Pool Boy to Frankel: Fuck You
  37. Staggering to fathom the demise of a relationship that began with the line, "Are you ready to get the stick out of your ass?"
  38. I love Hollywood, where the part of the alcoholic fatso is played by...Emily Blunt? Seems right.
  39. THIS I am so looking forward to. I think Ruth Negga is THE BOMB.
  40. If I were not suffering from the issue fatigue that sets in at about this point every week, I'd mine this for a good "reach back" joke. Wait. I mean "reach around." Dammit! Never mind. Now I'm too fatigued to erase all this.
  41. Probably better than inside her purse.
    "And over here is the custom cabinet where I drain young children of both their blood and souls so that I may ever look 35."
  42. "Then my dogs and I just get D-RUNK!"
  43. This week's beauty tip: save $189 and just use a fistful of gravel.
  44. Nope. I don't care what you say. Just nope.
  45. How about a "spoiler alert" next time?!?!
  46. Lord help us.
  47. Oh, Rihanna! Thank you. Truly. From the bottom of my heart. In an issue woefully short on Sartorial Dumbfuckery, you are a beacon of hope.
  48. Kris Jenner's just fucking with us now, right? (Do I say that every week?)
  49. And then, from out of left field, comes a brand new victor! It is Serayah! Who is that? Doesn't matter! She, with her granny underwear and tatters, is this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery! I hope she can carry the award home, because there isn't a single safe place to tuck it on that outfit.
  50. So that's it. Another week. It's all over with, kids. Time to go home and feed your dogs/kids/cats/whatever. Thanks for spending this special time with me!