UGH. This week's issue was just ... UGH. People, I can't make art from a turd. (I'm no Karen Finley.)
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    Willing to bet she isn't.
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    Look, I don't expect veracity from Us Magazine's stories...But this kind of shitty photoshop is completely unacceptable.
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    The guy was like, "If I lay some of his hair over into her photo and then just ... ah, fuck it."
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    Wait. Is THIS bad Photoshopping? She looks like a dastardly emu who's business on top and party on the bottom.
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    Did she really put on this skirt and blazer and think, "You know what this look needs? Some ratty cut-offs!"
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    I love that this sweater makes Hilary Duff look like a bodybuilder. Or someone with a gland problem. Or a bodybuilder with a gland problem. (Is that redundant?)
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    This is some tie-dyed dumbfuckery indeed. Remember when chicks were trying to marble paint their own nails and posted their massive failures on Pinterest? Yeah, that.
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    I already loved Kyra Sedgwick. Now I love her more.
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    We are about four pages into this issue and this is the third appearance of Hilary Duff. Her PR person deserves a big Christmas bonus.
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    I love it when celebrities play it cool and just blend in with their surroundings.
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    Doesn't it look more like her portrait's being attacked by a giant red satin sting ray?
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    On a leash.
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    I know this is for a movie but I prefer to think they just hang like this all the time.
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    I still have trouble believing this is a real show and that Jennifer Lopez participates voluntarily.
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    THEY HOLD ON TO THEIR BAGS!
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    She looks like she was dressed by a Project Runway contestant who forgot to buy fabric at mood and had to use everyone else's scraps.
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    Nina Garcia: "It looks inexPENsive."
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    WHAT'S IN CHRISTIAN SERRATOS BAG?
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    I'll tell you something I've learned. Christian Serratos and Christian Siriano are not the same person. Although, I would really like to know what's in Christian Siriano's bag.
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    As a skincare slut, I really appreciate a makeup slut. All respect.
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    Also, I LOVE that she both carries Poo-Pourri with her and publicly, unabashedly exclaims her love for it. Ladies poop! πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ’©
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    Now I'm fully smitten.
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    AND I POOP!!!!
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    At least they didn't spell Dream with a silent K in front? I don't know. I'm really grasping at pop-cultural straws here.
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    Rob's definitely gonna want a DNA test.
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    Lookin' at you, Scooby Doo.
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    Christ on a...well, you know the rest.
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    Am I the only one who finds Eddie Redmayne creepy AS FUCK???
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    Still just me?
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    STILL?
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    Whatever.
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    My Gilmore Girls IQ is, like, a zillion. I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO YOU!
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    Also, I got most of these wrong.
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    Sometimes I swear Us is on a mission to make all food look disgusting.
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    Why are they even doing food at all? Stay in your lane.
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    "The opening credits feature an obese woman dancing naked." Or, as I like to call it, Saturday night at my house.
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    This is what a lady hobo would wear to the CMAs.
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    New feature! A Day in My life. This week's star is Andy Cohen.
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    It doesn't say what time he goes and kisses Anderson Cooper's ass but I'm guessing it's just whenever he has an opening?*
    *The restraint it took me to avoid making a filthy follow-up joke is astonishing.
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    Good lord. Borrowed from Miley, no doubt.
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    Nice try, Gaga. I'm pretending I don't even see you dressed as a fart cloud.
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    This has to be for Halloween, right? No? Yes?
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    But what would she even be going as? Who cares? She's STILL this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery.
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    You let me down this week, Us Magazine. You really did. Now, go think about what you've done and I'll see you back here next week.
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    In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!