A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 11.28.16 πŸ‘¨πŸ½πŸΌπŸ‰πŸŒπŸ—

UGH. This week's issue was just ... UGH. People, I can't make art from a turd. (I'm no Karen Finley.)
  1. β€’
    Willing to bet she isn't.
  2. β€’
    Look, I don't expect veracity from Us Magazine's stories...But this kind of shitty photoshop is completely unacceptable.
    The guy was like, "If I lay some of his hair over into her photo and then just ... ah, fuck it."
  3. β€’
    Wait. Is THIS bad Photoshopping? She looks like a dastardly emu who's business on top and party on the bottom.
    Did she really put on this skirt and blazer and think, "You know what this look needs? Some ratty cut-offs!"
  4. β€’
    I love that this sweater makes Hilary Duff look like a bodybuilder. Or someone with a gland problem. Or a bodybuilder with a gland problem. (Is that redundant?)
  5. β€’
    This is some tie-dyed dumbfuckery indeed. Remember when chicks were trying to marble paint their own nails and posted their massive failures on Pinterest? Yeah, that.
  6. β€’
    I already loved Kyra Sedgwick. Now I love her more.
  7. β€’
    We are about four pages into this issue and this is the third appearance of Hilary Duff. Her PR person deserves a big Christmas bonus.
  8. β€’
    I love it when celebrities play it cool and just blend in with their surroundings.
  9. β€’
    Doesn't it look more like her portrait's being attacked by a giant red satin sting ray?
    On a leash.
  10. β€’
    I know this is for a movie but I prefer to think they just hang like this all the time.
  11. β€’
    I still have trouble believing this is a real show and that Jennifer Lopez participates voluntarily.
  12. β€’
    THEY HOLD ON TO THEIR BAGS!
  13. β€’
    She looks like she was dressed by a Project Runway contestant who forgot to buy fabric at mood and had to use everyone else's scraps.
    Nina Garcia: "It looks inexPENsive."
  14. β€’
    WHAT'S IN CHRISTIAN SERRATOS BAG?
    I'll tell you something I've learned. Christian Serratos and Christian Siriano are not the same person. Although, I would really like to know what's in Christian Siriano's bag.
  15. β€’
    As a skincare slut, I really appreciate a makeup slut. All respect.
  16. β€’
    Also, I LOVE that she both carries Poo-Pourri with her and publicly, unabashedly exclaims her love for it. Ladies poop! πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ’©
  17. β€’
    Now I'm fully smitten.
  18. β€’
    AND I POOP!!!!
  19. β€’
    At least they didn't spell Dream with a silent K in front? I don't know. I'm really grasping at pop-cultural straws here.
  20. β€’
    Rob's definitely gonna want a DNA test.
    Lookin' at you, Scooby Doo.
  21. β€’
    Christ on a...well, you know the rest.
  22. β€’
    Am I the only one who finds Eddie Redmayne creepy AS FUCK???
  23. β€’
    Still just me?
  24. β€’
    STILL?
    Whatever.
  25. β€’
    My Gilmore Girls IQ is, like, a zillion. I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING TO YOU!
    Also, I got most of these wrong.
  26. β€’
    Sometimes I swear Us is on a mission to make all food look disgusting.
    Why are they even doing food at all? Stay in your lane.
  27. β€’
    "The opening credits feature an obese woman dancing naked." Or, as I like to call it, Saturday night at my house.
  28. β€’
    This is what a lady hobo would wear to the CMAs.
  29. β€’
    New feature! A Day in My life. This week's star is Andy Cohen.
  30. β€’
    It doesn't say what time he goes and kisses Anderson Cooper's ass but I'm guessing it's just whenever he has an opening?*
    *The restraint it took me to avoid making a filthy follow-up joke is astonishing.
  31. β€’
    Good lord. Borrowed from Miley, no doubt.
  32. β€’
    Nice try, Gaga. I'm pretending I don't even see you dressed as a fart cloud.
  33. β€’
    This has to be for Halloween, right? No? Yes?
    But what would she even be going as? Who cares? She's STILL this week's winner of the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery.
  34. β€’
    You let me down this week, Us Magazine. You really did. Now, go think about what you've done and I'll see you back here next week.
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    In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!