A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 10.12.16 πŸ‡§πŸ‡Ώβ£οΈπŸ“ŒπŸŽπŸ•―

My little pigeons, I have some bad news. I will not be providing this invaluable service for the next couple of weeks as I will be waltzing around Paris and Amsterdam with my niece. Be strong! I shall return. Now, on to this week's issue.
  1. β€’
    That's so weird. No one ever blames the woman!
    Jen's reaction: "Could you be more insulting to think I give a flying fuck about this? I AM MARRIED TO JUSTIN THEROUX. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?"
  2. β€’
    This makes me miss The Golden Girls' lanai.
  3. β€’
    Did you guys see this shitshow? I mean, it's fine if you wanna put on a show in your garage, but this is the Today show. They almost have standards.
    Feldman says: "Look, when Nirvana's first album came out, everyone was like, 'What is this?'" Yes. That seems like a fair comparison.
  4. β€’
    Also, early contender for this week's Haunt My Nightmare image.
  5. β€’
    Lee Daniels called Kaitlin Doubleday on her HONEYMOON to tell her that her Empire character was being killed off? That's some Cookie-level shit right there.
  6. β€’
    The strongest evidence of Burke Ramsey's innocence is the fact that he made it through this interview without murdering Dr. Phil.
  7. β€’
    It's like seeing how the sausage is made. And finding out it's made by THE GAME.
  8. β€’
    I will never read the descriptor "sock designer" and not laugh.
  9. β€’
    What's in Juliette Lewis' bag? SURELY SOME WACKINESS!!!
  10. β€’
    Also, remember this?
    How come no one's asking how SHE feels about the split, huh? (Might be time to work some more corn rows, girl!) 🌽🌽🌽
  11. β€’
    But back to the business at hand. And she does not disappoint on the wackiness front.
    Although I'm gonna guess that most bona fide "hippie spirit ladies" don't carry Christian Siriano purses. They're toting all their stuff in a piece of cheesecloth secured with hemp twine.
  12. β€’
    I think she's confusing "doormen" with "garbage cans." Easy mistake.
  13. β€’
    Is that a dis? Because it seems like a dis. The only reason I ever pull out my high school yearbook is when I've forgotten what misery felt like.
  14. β€’
    WHY? WHY WOULD YOU EVER?
  15. β€’
    GROSS.
    And that penis has been EVERYWHERE.
  16. β€’
    That's just denim underpants.
  17. β€’
    Nope.
  18. β€’
    It's hard to get a good look at Rihanna's outfit here but I'm getting kind of a sloppy-masturbatory-schoolgirl vibe. Definitely a contender for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery.
  19. β€’
    Wait. Maybe THIS is my Haunt My Nightmare pic. Why on EARTH would I wanna see the Jonas brothers eating?
  20. β€’
    Justin Timberlake AND Woody Allen?!?! Man, I cannot take a pass on this fast enough.
  21. β€’
    But there is something 100% right on about Shia LaBeouf playing John McEnroe.
  22. β€’
    THESE PEOPLE ARE PROCREATING!!! 😱
  23. β€’
    I'm actually kinda sad to see these two break up, but the timing of their announcement was genius. In the shadow of Brangelina's divorce, these guys avoided about 800% more coverage.
  24. β€’
    But are we sure she doesn't actually believe it's still the 1990s? Bless her heart.
  25. β€’
    There exists a line of clothing called Touch by Alyssa Milano. I just thought you should know.
  26. β€’
    Then we come to Angelina's plot to destroy Brad, a plot so evil I cannot fit its headline in one photo.
  27. β€’
    "Brad Pitt was still nursing a broken heart when he got sucker-punched in the gut." So begins this dazzling piece of objective journalism. Looks like Brad Pitt's writing under the pen name Eric Andersson this week.
  28. β€’
    I'll spare you most of the details because I'm sure you're Brangelina'd out by now, but the gist of the article is this: sure, it's possible that Pitt is an abusive addict with a hair trigger temper but, you guys, she PLOTTED AGAINST HIM.
  29. β€’
    Also, despite the seriousness of the allegations against Pitt, I cannot tell you how funny I find it that he supposedly got off a plane drunk and tried to drive off in a fuel truck. Solid escape plan. 🚚
  30. β€’
    A celebrity with a CULTIVATED IMAGE? WHAT?!?! That evil genius! Seriously, though, does the Pitt family own this magazine?
  31. β€’
    Always a classy move: hire Charlie Sheen's divorce lawyer.
  32. β€’
    Moving on, some British people went to Canada.
    If Harry ain't involved, I ain't interested.
  33. β€’
    This week's 25 Things is about both Colin Jost and Michael Che of SNL. So, like, 12.5 things about each of them? Let's find out!
  34. β€’
    Wait! No! They EACH get 25 things! AMERICA!!! πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡ΈπŸ‡ΊπŸ‡ΈπŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ
  35. β€’
    But I still do not care about either of them.
  36. β€’
    In summation, Colin Jost was a fat kid who had no sex in high school and then went to Harvard. Also, he eats chicken wings "at least three times a week," which seems to me at least two times too many.
  37. β€’
    Michael Che is marginally more interesting and yet incapable of telling the truth. Unless he really does rent all his shoes and shoplift, which would help his case immensely.
  38. β€’
    You know how it is. You look over at your sibling and say, "Let's do a little fitness pop-up."
    I don't even know what that means.
  39. β€’
    You can save $200 by buying some Keds and a couple of hamsters.
  40. β€’
    Gina Rodriguez on her Deepwater Horizon co-star Mark Wahlberg.
    "I mean, it's fine. Ha ha. He's my best friend. Penis! Amazing. He's great. Ha ha. Underwear. No, really, I'm allowed. HA HA."
  41. β€’
    Has anyone ever, at any time in history, wondered what Nicholas Sparks is reading?
  42. β€’
    I miss you, Matt Saracen!
  43. β€’
    Like a cartoon duck made sweet, sweet love to a fairy princess. OH, EDITH!
  44. β€’
    I'd claim more pillaging of my grandma's furniture but there isn't any left.
  45. β€’
    Is that... like, a napkin stapled to her skirt? ONE OF MY GRANDMA'S NAPKINS???
  46. β€’
    But this. Oh, THIS! Part toilet paper, part dust ruffle, all Sartorial Dumbfuckery. Thank you, Shiri Appleby. Come up and get your trophy. πŸ†
  47. β€’
    Wow. That was something, eh? I hope it'll tide you over until I'm back and at it again in a few weeks. Try to be strong for one another until then, won't you?
  48. β€’
    Thanks!