A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 03.06.17 πŸ˜΅πŸ’πŸ‘‘πŸ΄

  1. β€’
    That's a lot of inoffensively attractive white people!
    And so many teeth.
  2. β€’
    First look at the cast of Hollywood Coven.
  3. β€’
    Good lord that jacket is an affront to good taste. But points to Mariah for walking upright unassisted.
  4. β€’
    As a knitter, I've certainly overestimated the length of a sweater. But not by this much. NEVER BY THIS MUCH.
  5. β€’
    That's the patriarchy for you.
  6. β€’
    CAN'T. EVEN. WAIT.
  7. β€’
    Yeah. It's just a giant, knitted penis head, is all.
  8. β€’
    My main fashion rule: bedsheets OR ripped jeans. Never both.
    But then I'm not BeyoncΓ©, am I? Don't answer that.
  9. β€’
    Whoa.
  10. β€’
    I appreciate Drew Barrymore. I, too, prefer to remain fully clothed when swimming in public.
  11. β€’
    In case you were sitting there wondering where Roger Daltrey has been lately.
  12. β€’
    Look, I watch a lot of Lockup. He's not the only hot felon in the world.
    Also, I find him terrifying.
  13. β€’
    There are few things I love more than taking baths β€” and few things I can envy a luxury tub. Not enough to jump in with Robin Thicke. 50 Cent, on the other hand…
  14. β€’
    James Van Der Beek's publicist wins this round.
    What's good, Hillary Duff?
  15. β€’
    Remember when the game was "Cindy Crawford or Caitlynn Jenner?" Just saying. Things change, Teri Hatcher.
  16. β€’
    I miss The Grinder. Maybe Fred Savage will just come by my house and hang out sometime.
  17. β€’
    Ooo! Ooo! This should be good! I predict Manolos, black eyeliner and Andy Cohen.
  18. β€’
    This is all very, very boring. Plus, I'm pretty sure once you're carrying a dental hygiene kit, reading material and a change of clothes, it's luggage, not a purse.
  19. β€’
    Also, πŸ‘€. She has $20, four quarters and a metro card. She's just asking to be robbed.
  20. β€’
    Just in case you're looking for a quote to help you get out of/stay in your marriage. "But Ethan Hawks says…"
  21. β€’
    The puritans were right: first comes dancing, then comes a baby. I KNEW IT.
  22. β€’
    I'd really love it if one of you would throw me a birthday tea party. You can leave out the whole Lauren Conrad element.
  23. β€’
    I only highlighted this because my friend was the director of The Architect and at the premiere, my husband and I rode in an uncomfortably small elevator with Viola David and her husband. She did not make eye contact. The end.
  24. β€’
    I'm still not 100% convinced this is actually a show.
  25. β€’
    Well, I know you're thirsty AF...
  26. β€’
    NEARLY
  27. β€’
    It's like I can see into his soul now.
  28. β€’
    And a penis.
  29. β€’
    Hey, the Nanny's back!
  30. β€’
    Mumble MC Hammer's pajamas mumble no top mumble try harder.
  31. β€’
    For the love of Miss Kitty. How close you came to taking the prize this week. How close.
  32. β€’
    But THIS. You guys, this is Sartorial Dumfuckery on a whole, 'nother level. It's Mary Ingalls in a 70s cheap nightgown factory explosion. You have earned this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery. You have earned it HARD.