Apologies in advance. Autumn's here in Ann Arbor, so I'm enjoying my first miserable cold of the season. Be kind, won't you?
  1. β€’
    I know I've worn out the old "who the hell is this?" by now. Believe me, I'm tired of hearing myself say it too. But, that said, WHO THE HELL IS JANA KRAMER?
    Static
    Is she just some poor random woman from Illinois whose husband might be a sex addict? Bet the Us editors are kicking themselves for choosing THIS as the week to take off from Brangelina breakup cover stories.
  2. β€’
    This is an ad for, I gather, a new show. It is an effective ad, as I now know for sure I will never watch it.
    Static
    It looks like she decapitated Jared Leto and is running around with the spoils. Wait. Actually, I might watch that.
  3. β€’
    Here we go. The issue's first fashion headache. And for the first time, I mean that literally. Also, it makes me want some Oreos.
    Static
  4. β€’
    "Why not? Shoot it up!" – words to mother by.
    Static
  5. β€’
    I am so genuinely, genuinely tired of sheer outfits. I'm SHEERLY exhausted!!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!! Shoot me now.
    Static
  6. β€’
    It seems almost cruel to feature a dress that comes with its own pre-announced hatred percentage but this quilted treat bag is too hideous to skip.
    Static
  7. β€’
    I never want to dislike anything Amy Poehler does so I will just gently question the wisdom of raiding Bea Arthur's closet.
    Static
  8. β€’
    I'll just hand over this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery right now so I can go and pray for humanity.
    Static
  9. β€’
    Oh, BUCKLE UP! There is no way this can disappoint.
    Static
  10. β€’
    If the basis of any good relationship is honesty, then we are not off to a good start here, are we?
    Static
  11. β€’
    Wait. Do I have any business bona fides? Suddenly I need some. Where do I get some? Questions. I have questions.
    Static
  12. β€’
    Alert The Nielsens. Viewership's up to one.
    Static
  13. β€’
    "It's either solve the Jimmy Hoffa situation or this 32-piece-kitten basket."
    Static
  14. β€’
    In retrospect, that was DEEPLY disappointing.
  15. β€’
    This phrase will haunt me forever: "enough that I knew"
    Static
  16. β€’
    What's in Cheryl Hines' bag? Probably at least one Kennedy.
    Static
  17. β€’
    No celebrity, of any caliber, has ever mentioned anything as relatable as the long-ass CVS receipt.
    Static
  18. β€’
    Look, I don't expect a LOT from Britney, but Isn't that the EXACT OPPOSITE of learning to say no?
    Static
  19. β€’
    This seems 100% accurate.
    Static
  20. β€’
    I've had this nightmare. I'm being held by a dead-eyed mannequin while Billy Bush screams in my ear.
    Static
  21. β€’
    AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
    Static
  22. β€’
    Minutes later, Christina Milian triumphantly holds up the eyeballs she has gouged from the mannequin!
    Static
  23. β€’
    What your fashion-forward pimps will be wearing this season.
    Static
  24. β€’
    "Miserable in prison" or, in other words, "in prison."
    Static
  25. β€’
    Inside Ziggy Marley's kitchen? I'm genuinely more interested in what's in Ziggy Marley's glovebox. Or his right front pocket.
    Static
  26. β€’
    The most disappointing part of this week's issue is that none of the fashion police made a single maxi pad joke here.
    Static
  27. β€’
    Wrapped up like a BDSM Christmas gift.
    Static
  28. β€’
    It seems fitting to end this week with Miley in something I wore to my seventh grade mixer.
    Static
    I'll be over by the snack table.
  29. β€’
    I might mix it up next week. Maybe Star Magazine? In Touch? Some kind of breath of fresh air? Hmmmmm...
  30. β€’
    Thanks for reading!