A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 10.05.16 πŸΌπŸŒΆπŸšπŸ“€

Apologies in advance. Autumn's here in Ann Arbor, so I'm enjoying my first miserable cold of the season. Be kind, won't you?
  1. β€’
    I know I've worn out the old "who the hell is this?" by now. Believe me, I'm tired of hearing myself say it too. But, that said, WHO THE HELL IS JANA KRAMER?
    Is she just some poor random woman from Illinois whose husband might be a sex addict? Bet the Us editors are kicking themselves for choosing THIS as the week to take off from Brangelina breakup cover stories.
  2. β€’
    This is an ad for, I gather, a new show. It is an effective ad, as I now know for sure I will never watch it.
    It looks like she decapitated Jared Leto and is running around with the spoils. Wait. Actually, I might watch that.
  3. β€’
    Here we go. The issue's first fashion headache. And for the first time, I mean that literally. Also, it makes me want some Oreos.
  4. β€’
    "Why not? Shoot it up!" – words to mother by.
  5. β€’
    I am so genuinely, genuinely tired of sheer outfits. I'm SHEERLY exhausted!!! Ah ha ha ha ha!!! Shoot me now.
  6. β€’
    It seems almost cruel to feature a dress that comes with its own pre-announced hatred percentage but this quilted treat bag is too hideous to skip.
  7. β€’
    I never want to dislike anything Amy Poehler does so I will just gently question the wisdom of raiding Bea Arthur's closet.
  8. β€’
    I'll just hand over this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery right now so I can go and pray for humanity.
  9. β€’
    Oh, BUCKLE UP! There is no way this can disappoint.
  10. β€’
    If the basis of any good relationship is honesty, then we are not off to a good start here, are we?
  11. β€’
    Wait. Do I have any business bona fides? Suddenly I need some. Where do I get some? Questions. I have questions.
  12. β€’
    Alert The Nielsens. Viewership's up to one.
  13. β€’
    "It's either solve the Jimmy Hoffa situation or this 32-piece-kitten basket."
  14. β€’
    In retrospect, that was DEEPLY disappointing.
  15. β€’
    This phrase will haunt me forever: "enough that I knew"
  16. β€’
    What's in Cheryl Hines' bag? Probably at least one Kennedy.
  17. β€’
    No celebrity, of any caliber, has ever mentioned anything as relatable as the long-ass CVS receipt.
  18. β€’
    Look, I don't expect a LOT from Britney, but Isn't that the EXACT OPPOSITE of learning to say no?
  19. β€’
    This seems 100% accurate.
  20. β€’
    I've had this nightmare. I'm being held by a dead-eyed mannequin while Billy Bush screams in my ear.
  21. β€’
    AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
  22. β€’
    Minutes later, Christina Milian triumphantly holds up the eyeballs she has gouged from the mannequin!
  23. β€’
    What your fashion-forward pimps will be wearing this season.
  24. β€’
    "Miserable in prison" or, in other words, "in prison."
  25. β€’
    Inside Ziggy Marley's kitchen? I'm genuinely more interested in what's in Ziggy Marley's glovebox. Or his right front pocket.
  26. β€’
    The most disappointing part of this week's issue is that none of the fashion police made a single maxi pad joke here.
  27. β€’
    Wrapped up like a BDSM Christmas gift.
  28. β€’
    It seems fitting to end this week with Miley in something I wore to my seventh grade mixer.
    I'll be over by the snack table.
  29. β€’
    I might mix it up next week. Maybe Star Magazine? In Touch? Some kind of breath of fresh air? Hmmmmm...
  30. β€’
    Thanks for reading!