A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 09.19.16 πŸ”¦πŸ’‚πŸΏπŸπŸ πŸŽ½

This is not a great issue. It's, like, 98% about fall TV. I can only.
  1. β€’
    You guys. I did NOT see this coming.
    Pardon me while I go and fetch my smelling salts.
  2. β€’
    At least Nicole Kidman's rarely boring.* This looks like the bedroom walls of a moody teenage girl.
    * I should probably clarify that I'm talking in terms of fashion. Just fashion.
  3. β€’
    Probably whatever circus tent you stole it from.
  4. β€’
    More usage of my grandma's upholstery for fashion crimes.
  5. β€’
    HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IN LOVE???!!!?????
  6. β€’
    Celebs have bad dates too! Somewhere out there is a smart, ambitious accountant who dodged a very big, douchey bullet.
    He's sticking to career bottle service girls from here on out.
  7. β€’
    This is Trina. She has a purse. There's some stuff in it.
  8. β€’
    The Blow Pop marketing team could not have summed it up better.
  9. β€’
    OK, but ... how?
  10. β€’
    25 Things You Do NOT Know About Harry Connick Jr.
  11. β€’
    This makes me love him.
  12. β€’
    Sweet, but he left out the part about his father being accused of systemic prosecutorial misconduct while serving as the New Orleans D.A., willfully suppressing evidence to manipulate convictions. Guess there wasn't enough room?
  13. β€’
    And now I love him again.
  14. β€’
    After 15 years of marriage, I can vouch for the veracity of this statement.
  15. β€’
    However, this seems a tad off.
  16. β€’
    She is the Aaron Burr of pop.
  17. β€’
    IS THERE ANYTHING IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE LEFT UNMOLESTED?
  18. β€’
    Do I just give it to her now? Do I even bother with the rest of the issue?
  19. β€’
    And no matter how egregious this jumpsuit situation is, I will never bad mouth it because KEVIN BACON.
  20. β€’
    Doing the running man at the beach is some next-level shit.
  21. β€’
    To my dying day, I will never stop campaigning against the travesty of celebrities doing yoga on the beach. Please give generously.
  22. β€’
    Seems natural.
  23. β€’
    I wish this weren't on set and that this was just how Robert Pattinson dressed now.
  24. β€’
    Oooooooh.... I... but ... ooooooh
  25. β€’
    Is there such a thing as TOO much enthusiasm about your wife? J'accuse, Tom Hanks. J'accuse.
  26. β€’
    Comment. Upholstery. Fashion. Blah.
  27. β€’
    Because matching tattoos is never a bad idea.
  28. β€’
    There isn't even an image with this but it'll still haunt my nightmares.
  29. β€’
    But this is the dream, right? Chips and guac with Lionel Richie? Poolside, no less.
  30. β€’
    Rich people can buy themselves whatever they want for Christmas!
  31. β€’
    I do not care if this sounds terrible. It is Kristen Bell and I shall watch it.
  32. β€’
    And despite my love of Joel McHale, I shall not be watching this.
  33. β€’
    Fork & knife vs. skewer & ice pick? Why, for poking out my eyeballs, of course.
  34. β€’
    A jokestress? New favorite word.
  35. β€’
    From the Make Up Your Mind files: is it a "new superfood" or an "ancient grain"? STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD, US MAGAZINE!
  36. β€’
    Nope.
  37. β€’
    Possibly the most ironic quote of all time: "I literally can't say anything." But it...but you just...I can't even begin to parse it.
  38. β€’
    Darth Vader's lesser known son.
  39. β€’
    I am mesmerized by her boobs.
  40. β€’
    YOUNG LADIES! WHERE ARE YOUR SHIRTS?
  41. β€’
    And then there's this. For why, I do not know.
  42. β€’
    This may have been a dud of an edition, but the candidates for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery are rich and many. I feel #blessed.
  43. β€’
    But it has to be this, right? Is it my Karjenner bias? Is this the worst of the worst? It is! I have decided. And so it shall be.
  44. β€’
    Let's hope next week's issue isn't all clogged up with fall TV previews and I have what I need to do my work. It's hard being an artiste. Thanks for reading!