This is not a great issue. It's, like, 98% about fall TV. I can only.
  1. β€’
    You guys. I did NOT see this coming.
    Static
    Pardon me while I go and fetch my smelling salts.
  2. β€’
    At least Nicole Kidman's rarely boring.* This looks like the bedroom walls of a moody teenage girl.
    Static
    * I should probably clarify that I'm talking in terms of fashion. Just fashion.
  3. β€’
    Probably whatever circus tent you stole it from.
    Static
  4. β€’
    More usage of my grandma's upholstery for fashion crimes.
    Static
  5. β€’
    HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IN LOVE???!!!?????
    Static
  6. β€’
    Celebs have bad dates too! Somewhere out there is a smart, ambitious accountant who dodged a very big, douchey bullet.
    Static
    He's sticking to career bottle service girls from here on out.
  7. β€’
    This is Trina. She has a purse. There's some stuff in it.
    Static
  8. β€’
    The Blow Pop marketing team could not have summed it up better.
    Static
  9. β€’
    OK, but ... how?
    Static
  10. β€’
    25 Things You Do NOT Know About Harry Connick Jr.
    Static
  11. β€’
    This makes me love him.
    Static
  12. β€’
    Sweet, but he left out the part about his father being accused of systemic prosecutorial misconduct while serving as the New Orleans D.A., willfully suppressing evidence to manipulate convictions. Guess there wasn't enough room?
    Static
  13. β€’
    And now I love him again.
    Static
  14. β€’
    After 15 years of marriage, I can vouch for the veracity of this statement.
    Static
  15. β€’
    However, this seems a tad off.
    Static
  16. β€’
    She is the Aaron Burr of pop.
    Static
  17. β€’
    IS THERE ANYTHING IN MY GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE LEFT UNMOLESTED?
    Static
  18. β€’
    Do I just give it to her now? Do I even bother with the rest of the issue?
    Static
  19. β€’
    And no matter how egregious this jumpsuit situation is, I will never bad mouth it because KEVIN BACON.
    Static
  20. β€’
    Doing the running man at the beach is some next-level shit.
    Static
  21. β€’
    To my dying day, I will never stop campaigning against the travesty of celebrities doing yoga on the beach. Please give generously.
    Static
  22. β€’
    Seems natural.
    Static
  23. β€’
    I wish this weren't on set and that this was just how Robert Pattinson dressed now.
    Static
  24. β€’
    Oooooooh.... I... but ... ooooooh
    Static
  25. β€’
    Is there such a thing as TOO much enthusiasm about your wife? J'accuse, Tom Hanks. J'accuse.
    Static
  26. β€’
    Comment. Upholstery. Fashion. Blah.
    Static
  27. β€’
    Because matching tattoos is never a bad idea.
    Static
  28. β€’
    There isn't even an image with this but it'll still haunt my nightmares.
    Static
  29. β€’
    But this is the dream, right? Chips and guac with Lionel Richie? Poolside, no less.
    Static
  30. β€’
    Rich people can buy themselves whatever they want for Christmas!
    Static
  31. β€’
    I do not care if this sounds terrible. It is Kristen Bell and I shall watch it.
    Static
  32. β€’
    And despite my love of Joel McHale, I shall not be watching this.
    Static
  33. β€’
    Fork & knife vs. skewer & ice pick? Why, for poking out my eyeballs, of course.
    Static
  34. β€’
    A jokestress? New favorite word.
    Static
  35. β€’
    From the Make Up Your Mind files: is it a "new superfood" or an "ancient grain"? STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD, US MAGAZINE!
    Static
  36. β€’
    Nope.
    Static
  37. β€’
    Possibly the most ironic quote of all time: "I literally can't say anything." But it...but you just...I can't even begin to parse it.
    Static
  38. β€’
    Darth Vader's lesser known son.
    Static
  39. β€’
    I am mesmerized by her boobs.
    Static
  40. β€’
    YOUNG LADIES! WHERE ARE YOUR SHIRTS?
    Static
  41. β€’
    And then there's this. For why, I do not know.
    Static
  42. β€’
    This may have been a dud of an edition, but the candidates for this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery are rich and many. I feel #blessed.
  43. β€’
    But it has to be this, right? Is it my Karjenner bias? Is this the worst of the worst? It is! I have decided. And so it shall be.
    Static
  44. β€’
    Let's hope next week's issue isn't all clogged up with fall TV previews and I have what I need to do my work. It's hard being an artiste. Thanks for reading!