A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 02.27.17 ☄️🍵⛽️🗜

If you want to teach your children why a half-assed effort is not good enough, feel free to show them this list.
  1. •
    My god. That look.
  2. •
    Here, to distract you from the chaos in the world, is a bunch of famous cleavage. Or breastbone, at least.
  3. •
    How can the same dress make one woman look like a gorgeous bombshell and the other one look like, well, Lindsay Lohan?
    It's not just the side slit, right?
  4. •
    It barely leaves enough time for the popcorn shop...
  5. •
    I'm not sure what exactly "the twins" refers to in this case. So many options.
  6. •
    Dag, C-3PO got fat.
  7. •
    This is what I imagine Julie Bowen looks like drunk.
  8. •
    How does one woman forget to wear pants so often?
  9. •
    But at least she is not suffering this horrible embarrassment alone.
  10. •
    Great. Now Brandon is obviously on Trump's payroll now too.
    Also, I'd watch this action flick.
  11. •
    Hey, did you guys see that Busy Phillip's gonna be in the new sitcom from Tina Fey?!??
  12. •
    This is how Miley transports her weed.
  13. •
    Okay, so I know I overplay the "I don't know who this is" card but it DOES say Rose Leslie is in The Good Fight and I am eager to see that, mainly because I'm eager to see Christine Baranski do anything.
  14. •
    Just how little IS her boyfriend?
    (Her boyfriend is actually GOT's Kit Harington, which you probably think is a perfect segue into something about him not being the little guy on that show, but it's not. IT'S NOT.)
  15. •
    If I may be so bold...because they're goddamn delicious?
  16. •
    Another week, another photo of an overweight farmhand and his skate Betty.
  17. •
    For those on Madonna Face Watch, this appears to be its current status.
  18. •
    She is adopting twin girls because BEYONCÉ IS NOT GOING TO WIN THIS ROUND!
  19. •
    This is some story about Drew Barrymore getting hurt on set of Santa Clarita Diet. Calm down. She's fine. I'm only including it because it mentions Timothy Olyphant...
  20. •
    ... who looks like this.
    That is all.
  21. •
    Anyone's dream, Jerry?
  22. •
  23. •
    Notice that's not actually what's happening in this photo. It's just fodder for your mid-nineties girl-on-girl fantasies.
  24. •
    I 100% believe that Melania never wanted this. But if I have to pay for her reluctance, she can effing suck it up.
  25. •
    And here are some actual things other First Ladies did but NO SHADE, MELANIA.
  26. •
    Wow. I guess the 4,023 headlines I've read announcing this over the past five years WERE right.
    What are the odds?
  27. •
    "9:05 PM: Play family game, Symbionese Liberation Army, with the wife."
  28. •
    Straight out of a 1980s Love Boat fancy last-night dinner scene, in which she inexplicably finds Doc irresistible.*
    *My thanks to the three of you old enough to understand this reference.
  29. •
    Nicole Ritchie, after robbing Chloe Sevigny's Big Love wardrobe. Good god. You may have taken this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery, Jemima, but you ALSO broke my friggin' spirit. CONGRATULATIONS.
  30. •
    25 Things You Did Not Know About Mr. Cube
  31. •
    Did he mean to say goth? Or emo musician? Or professional photographer? Or edgy cater-waiter? Or Vanderpump Rules bartender? Los Angeles hairdresser? Or Los Angeles Coke dealer? Or Los Angeles anything?
  32. •
    I was there with them too, but if I violate the NDA, I get my face shot off.
    AND I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER.
  33. •
    RESPECT
  34. •