A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 03.20.17 🤠🙆🏾🐡🌯

Another week, another issue. I had to take off last week because of sheer laziness. A fair warning: I approached this week's list with only marginally less laziness. So enjoy. Or don't. I can't be bothered.
  1. •
    Is this guy even attractive to one woman, let alone a whole passel of them competing for him on TV? He looks like a waiter who's overly-attentive in a creepy way.
  2. •
    I have nothing to say about this outfit but it seemed a flawless segue into asking if you guys are watching Big Little Lies? SO. GOOD.
  3. •
    Friendship GOALS
    Part of me would love to have lunch with them just once but I have a feeling I'd stress-eat the entire bread basket while they communicated with each other solely through eye contact.
  4. •
    THESE JEANS ARE HIDEOUS
    I'll stop using all caps at some point but, for now, these jeans have me very upset.
  5. •
    This is like one of those Pinterest posts about doing marbled nail polish that just winds up looking like shit when you try it at home.
  6. •
    See?
  7. •
    I'm not mad at old-timey gangster pants that make skinny, gorgeous women look portly. It's a nice break from business as usual.
  8. •
    Bryce Dallas Howard seems determined to practice Sartorial Dumbfuckery on the reg. It saddens me. She seems very sweet. Like, if we had lunch, she'd split the bread basket with me.
  9. •
    But Kristen Ritter's shoes!
  10. •
    Rubbed my iPad for ages and didn't smell a thing. IT'S BROKEN, CLOROX 😡
  11. •
    Own it, girl.
  12. •
    Wow. I think this is our first serious contender this week for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery. If you need a goddamn welder to get your outfit on, you got a problem.
  13. •
    This actually seems like a bit of perfect casting, no?
  14. •
    This looks like a still from a Norwegian film about twin sisters coping with the sad, simultaneous deaths of their sailor lovers.
    The twist is that the SISTERS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!!! 😮😮😮
  15. •
    She's definitely peeing in the sand while he keeps watch.
  16. •
    Shirley MacLaine sucking the soul out of another unborn child.
  17. •
    Oh, Lil Kim. I'm sorry you stumbled but perhaps it is karma for that outfit?
  18. •
    Nicely played, Jerry O'Connell's publicist. You're up, Hillary Duff.
    He is THIRSTY for that Kelly co-hosting gig.
  19. •
    I'm always conflicted about including performance outfits like this in the running for the CCASD, because I think it's really a costume but this look was begging to be shared.
    There's a lot going on there. The thigh leg chains seem like a bad idea. I'd have red chain welts just from walking across the room.
  20. •
    It's time for this week's Haunt My Nightmare image. Because my insomnia wasn't bad enough already. :::shiver:::
  21. •
    Is it really Tilda Swinton? Or is it just Anthony Hopkins?
  22. •
    I don't believe him. Not for a minute.
  23. •
    There she is!
  24. •
    I liked this woman when I watched The Catch for about ten minutes. And now that I think about it, she might have made an even better Mary Poppins than Emily Blunt. For now, let's look in her purse!
  25. •
    Damn, you guys. This is as good as it gets. A pencil.
    A PENCIL
  26. •
    Oooooo! Scandal in the Biden family! Uncle Joe, let me know if you need held!
    Can you read it? The long and the short of it is that Joe's son is dating his brother Beau's widow — even though he's technically still married.
  27. •
    I'm not sure if Katie Perry's transformation into Kristen Stewart is a cause or effect of this breakup. Discuss.
  28. •
    I vote for Adam Driver and Chloë Sevigny. Not because I think they're a good fit. I just want to see him come unhinged while she coolly observes him and responds in a flat affect.
  29. •
    Check out the shade in this item.
    Her purse was ON THE FLOOR OF THE 1 TRAIN!
  30. •
    I know some of you watch The Bachelor, so I'm including this. For those, like me, who don't, I'll fill you in based on the pictures. A man who looks like the love child of Jim Carrey and Jason Priestly took a lady to a swamp and made out with her. The end.
  31. •
    In Bachelorette news, this baby got married.*
    *It might not have been the baby.
  32. •
    Later, the baby was unceremoniously removed from the festivities.
  33. •
    S'more Bar? That should be "S'mores Bar," right? Unless they were just serving the one.
  34. •
    No, Kris, WE are the ones who are blessed.
  35. •
    Pretty people get away with so much. But not this lace curtain dumbfuckery, Diane Kruger. I say no!
  36. •
  37. •
    This seems unnecessary.
  38. •
    If there is one thing that you can count on in this world, it's that Fergie will show up sans pants.
  39. •
    WHAT. EVEN. No muppet should have to deal with such end-of-life ignominy.
  40. •
    I am not a compulsive person when it comes to neatness, but it is taking every ounce of my strength not to plug in my steamer. And pull out some shears.
  41. •
    But sometimes there is just a clear winner. (Awesome pun not intended.) This is one of those times. Bravo. This is some advanced-level shit.
  42. •
    Let's get down to the heart of the matter. Or maybe I should say...wait for it...the BONES of the matter?!?! 😆🤣😂😆🤣😂
  43. •
    I don't know if we can move past this, but I'll try.
  44. •
    Oh, my.
  45. •
    I think we've found our way back to common ground.
  46. •
    Now I need a movie with both of them in it!
  47. •
    Boy, that went by so fast! I think we're all ready for bed now, no? No matter what time zone you live in, no matter what time it is as you read this, go to bed. Immediately. 😴🛌😴