A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 05.23.16

There was so little to work with again this week that I'm seriously starting to question if Us Magazine is a quality publication.
  1. This week's cover. Prince still dead.
  2. What the fresh fuck is this hillbilly nightmare?
  3. What in the holy HELL is wrong with Allison Williams' head?
    She will haunt my nightmares.
  4. Okay, I know this is an ad for a personal trimmer but I have to know: is my vagina supposed to look like these? I think I'm doing something very wrong.
  5. FIFTY?!?! Hey, I'm all for ladies having it all, but that baby is gonna be a little poof of dust out of her dusty attic of a uterus.
  6. DO NOT GLOSS OVER DEMI LOVATO!!! You have been warned.
    Says Lovato, "I'd rather annoy people with my honesty and loud opinions then stay silent." Me? I'd rather annoy people with my personality. How'm I doin'?
  7. First off, I have no idea who Catriona Balfe is but I sure as hell enjoy saying her name, most likely incorrectly.
    "I have so many bags of vitamin C pills!" WTH? Why? Does she have scurvy? And anyone who has $9 left on a $20 In 'n Out gift card simply isn't trying hard enough.
  8. 25 things you don't know about Trevor Noah. Seems strange that not ONE of these is "I'm not fantastic at hosting The Daily Show."
    But he does love to cuddle.
  9. Like Cuba hasn't suffered enough.
  10. This is some straight-up VC Andrews shit right here.
  11. "Would you rather make love or f—ck?" One of the world's greatest philosophical queries.
    But, boy, does this Viall person nail it with his answer. I mean, that is BALANCE, which is something we all strive for yet rarely grasp so well.
  12. For a second there, i genuinely thought that tattoo on Rob Kardashian's forearm was Queen Elizabeth.
  13. Anemones topping a wedding cake? Sure, that's cute. But know what I'd REALLY like to see on top of a wedding cake? SEA ANEMONES!!! BOOM!!!
  14. Souping is the new juicing. You know, just in case you felt like being insufferable.
  15. Look, if I want some inspirational bullshit with my candy, I'll save myself $45 and just buy some goddamn Dove pieces.
  16. Just in case you didn't feel old yet, Top Gun is THIRTY YEARS OLD!!! No need to thank me.
  17. And this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery goes to Alicia Vikander for whatever the shit this is.
    I mean, I can't even begin to guess what's happening there. Post-apocalyptic sexy toddler pageant wear, evening dress division? When you're making Jessica Biel look like a fashion ninja, something's gone very wrong.