A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 06.13.16

  1. So many relationships in turmoil! This should be good. And by good, I mean, of course, terrible.
  2. This reminds me I need to buy a highlighter.
  3. I mean. Do these two communicate solely through song? I'm waiting for the anthem where she asks him to fix her a sandwich.
  4. What's in Roselyn Sanchez's bag? And just who is Roselyn Sanchez? I still don't know, but she carries Chapstick and has 100,000 retouched selfies on her iPhone. So there's that.
  5. I HAVE DREAMED OF THIS MOMENT!!!
  6. Wow, she is really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, isn't she?
  7. File under: Duh.
  8. Listen up, NATO.
  9. GURL. I FEEL YOU.
  10. I am 'shipping a torrid affair between these two.
    And now I hate myself for saying "'shipping."
  11. There's absolutely no reason for this.
  12. We have this week's first contender for the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery.
  13. A twofer on the Sartorial Dumfuckery front. Don't ever change, Kourt.
    "No, YOU look ridiculous!" "No, YOU do!"
  14. This week's Haunt My Nightmare pic: Ryan Seacrest with a selfie stick taking a photo with a stuffed bulldog called "Hairy Dawg." I just can't even handle this.
  15. Ooooo....another contender for CCASD. I'm 90% sure I had this dress when I was 2 1/2.
  16. I deeply wish she were actually, literally juggling all this stuff. It might finally make me interested in Reese Witherspoon.
  17. Guess she couldn't find her Princess Leia costume?
    Also, how killer would it be to serve on a jury with Tina Fey? I'd be all, "Yeah, yeah, the guy's probably guilty. Let's talk 30 Rock!"
  18. Further proof that fame, no matter how tentative, automatically helps you marry out of your league.
  19. Just. So. Unbelievably. Gross.
  20. I'm having an increasingly difficult time telling Cindy Crawford and Caitlyn Jenner apart.
  21. In other words, he got her shitty DELI FLOWERS for her birthday. That's a deal breaker, ladies!
  22. Can I even go here?
    I'll say this much: abuser or not, Depp looks like a sleazy, melting pirate. Or, in this pic, maybe more like a sleazy, melting pirate's mobbed-up lawyer.
  23. Stars choose sides! Because it's important what Paul Bettany thinks about it.
    I'll say this much to the people defending either Heard or Depp: who a person is in the outside world, in a professional environment, etc. has nothing to do with who they are inside their marriage. I'm not saying Depp is guilty, but saying he never "seemed violent" to you means absolutely nothing.
  24. Oh, FUCK OFF
  25. You guys, the Pope got to meet Clooney!
  26. Hollywood's messing with a classic again.
  27. Ha ha ha! This guy thinks Brendan Fraser's famous AND that he would be sitting in first class!! Ha ha!!
  28. ANOTHER dream come true: FREDDIE PRINZE HAS A COOKBOOK!!!!
  29. What the fuck is a growler? I thought it was a dangerous but consensual sex act. Either way, David Beckham thinks you should give your dad one for Father's Day.
  30. I am ALL IN on this one.
  31. I don't give a shit about his new show, but just BEHOLD Billy Ray Cyrus' luscious mane.
  32. Will I watch this new show with Ben from Felicity? Maybe if he takes his shirt off a lot. And judging by the fact that he's the only one wearing a shirt in this photo, it doesn't look promising.
    Although ELLEN BARKIN plays his mom!! So I may watch after all.
  33. She looks like a kooky, wildly inappropriate school marm.
  34. But thank god there's Britney, who — despite Julianne Moore's tattered dress — wins this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumfuckery, as much for lack of originality as for crimes against fashion.
    Rihanna, you were SO CLOSE. If for any reason Britney cannot fulfill her duties, you're on tap.
  35. Wait. Did I speak too soon? This sweat suit. Nope. I'm at sticking with Britney. TRY HARDER, Rita Ora!
  36. And I'm just going to leave you with this close-up of Tara Reid's midriff, in case you've been wondering where it was. It is alive and well. PHEW.