A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 04.24.17 πŸ‘©πŸ»β€πŸŒΎβš‘οΈπŸ›΄πŸ“©

You can stop pinching yourself – you're not dreaming. I return from my retirement to provide a special request version of the Us magazine list because, frankly, I can't take all the calls and emails from @ktexcelsior anymore! I did it w/o my beloved drafts feature, using the hack @jennifergster came up with, so this is all her fault.
  1. β€’
    This, I believe, was the entire reason @ktexcelsior requested this list. Because Heidi Montag and fat Jason Priestley are PROCREATING, an abomination lost in the shuffle what with all the current presidential abominations to choose from. SOMEONE needs to talk about this and, trust me, we shall.
  2. β€’
    I was going to make some comment about women wearing fancy dresses made out of condoms and then I realize that's latex not Lurex. Fingers crossed that condom manufacturers don't make the same mistake I did!
    (For some reason, the phrase "shiny vaginy" just popped into my head. I need to β„’ that shit.)
  3. β€’
    Is this what we are reduced to? Who wore a Power Rangers T-shirt better? And what does it say about me that I actually have an opinion about this? And I would like to state for the record that I think you got it wrong, Us Magazine.
  4. β€’
    Oh, Chrissy Tiegen! Normally you can do no wrong in my eyes, but those boots make me feel like I can't breathe.
    Also, I think there's probably no better celebrity shade than to be all, "I wore the same top… AS A DRESS!" BOOYAH!
  5. β€’
    This just looks like it's from a geriatric skating competition with the funereal theme.
  6. β€’
    Uh...and then she started cashing the checks or what?
    "Now I'm perfectly happy with them being completely superficial!"
  7. β€’
    😍😍😍
  8. β€’
    It's funny because he's CLUELESS!
  9. β€’
    Just posting this because I'm interested in the hamburger bun because I haven't had a fucking carb in a month.
  10. β€’
    Duff watch!
    She looks like a very classy hooker.
  11. β€’
    Oh my god! O'Connell watch too! Solid work, publicists!
  12. β€’
    Stop being so goddamn mature and tell us WHAT HAPPENED!!!
  13. β€’
    "Pearl Jam fan David Letterman." Just let that phrase sink in for a minute.
    Maybe it just seems weird to me because Letterman now looks like he is a thousand years old and more likely to jam to "Buffalo Gals."
  14. β€’
    Any day Lenny Kravitz manages to keep his pants together during a performance is a sad day for America.
  15. β€’
    What's in Jenna Elfman's bag? I wanna say "the head of Shelley Miscavige," but I feel like I've made that joke before.
  16. β€’
    Fun fact: The Nivea Kiss of Smoothness is actually a Scientology manoeuvre.
  17. β€’
    Also mops up thetans like nobody's business.
    Also, WHAT IS SHE DOING TO HER GLASSES THAT SHE NEEDS A TOWEL TO CLEAN THEM?
  18. β€’
    My husband and I are pretty good about not doing anything great, so that the other person doesn't feel like they have to do anything at all.
  19. β€’
    Finally making it official? Just when I'm ready for them to break up!
  20. β€’
    And sometimes I really am left speechless.
    FESTIVAL PACK? Can you imagine how much more terrifying this thing would be if you were high?
  21. β€’
  22. β€’
    Oh my god, can't you see the pianist at home, working on his Lionel Richie medley for YEARS, hoping that one day, maybe, just maybe...
  23. β€’
    🀣🀣🀣🀣
  24. β€’
    Let me just say that the acting chops on these two are STAGGERING.
    Also, a disclaimer: I only ever watched one episode of The Hills in my life and that was too much Pratt and Montag for me. I still feel qualified to do this list, however.
  25. β€’
    Headline idea: PRATT CALLS PREGNANCY NEWS 'MORE EXCITING THAN BANANA BREAD'
  26. β€’
    "I've never been more excited β€” you just can't tell because, you know, MY FACE."
    And it took her reading "every" pregnancy book to figure out she didn't know anything? Good lord. If I take this article line-by-line, we will NEVER get out of here.
  27. β€’
    Obviously, they sent a reporter as bright as the subjects to this interview.
    I mean, really. What IS that question?
  28. β€’
    Yes, you definitely need to step up your pampering game if you think "doing the dishes" qualifies as pampering.
    Also, I can only imagine that a massage and fish stick dinner was what got them into this mess in the first place.
  29. β€’
    The MOST smart?
  30. β€’
  31. β€’
    25 things you don't know about the Property Brothers! There was a picture of both of them but I cut it off because why even.
  32. β€’
    Oh, wait. What? 25 Things about EACH of them? That's 50 too many.
  33. β€’
    Okay. Sigh. We'll start with the one on the left, whom I shall call Lefty.
  34. β€’
    An AWARD-WINNING magician?
  35. β€’
  36. β€’
    Also, he sounds like a fucking nightmare. As if the "magic" thing weren't bad enough.
  37. β€’
    Both of those things cannot be true. #science
  38. β€’
    Now on to Righty.
  39. β€’
    These guys are insufferable.
  40. β€’
    And then, just as quickly, all is right in the world.
  41. β€’
    How on earth does this manifest? Macaroni art you then cook and eat?
  42. β€’
    Now we know which brother you'd much, much rather go to karaoke with.
  43. β€’
    Moving on...this is part of a Pretty Little Liars quiz but also, coincidentally, my standard vacation packing list.
  44. β€’
    Coachella is JUST ahead of Syria on my list of places I don't wanna go this weekend.
  45. β€’
    McGregor looks like a lost Brady son.
  46. β€’
    And people still think it's gay marriage that's a threat to the institution?
  47. β€’
  48. β€’
    And now we come to Fashion Police or, "The Cheater's Guide to the Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery." And...let's start with Jennifer Hudson, whose arms seem to have gotten stuck in a pair of man's pajama bottoms right before she had to dash out the door to a fancy event. Wacky hijinx, indeed!
  49. β€’
    Martha Plimpton, I LOVE you, but this is definitely the outfit my husband wore to his senior prom.
    Just kidding. His had boss piping around the edges. PIPING.
  50. β€’
    Do not confuse the laziness of pantslessness for Sartorial Dumbfuckery.
  51. β€’
    I can't tell. Are those actually red socks under sandals or boots made to look like red socks under sandals? And which is worse? I will say that, from a functional standpoint, whatever they are, they are a brilliant diversion from that Moschino bed sheet.
  52. β€’
    But I think we all know that this week's winner is definitely Jennifer Hudson for whatever was happening there. Cue @jennifergster saying she'd definitely wear it!
  53. β€’
    And thanks for tuning in for this Very Special Edition. You may now return to your less-easy-to-use li.st app!