A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 11.14.16 πŸ‘–πŸŒ±πŸ΄πŸ–²πŸš°

  1. β€’
    Harry's dating someone from Suits! This is, unequivocally, the most attention people have ever paid to Suits!
  2. β€’
    Although, if I had to pick someone to date from that show, I'd probably go another route:
    He feels me. But whatever, Harry. Carry on.
  3. β€’
    Also, this is worth the price of admission. I need a framed copy of it for my bedside STAT.
  4. β€’
    May I just step back from editorial content for just a moment to say that if you come near ANY part of me with this device, especially my eyes, I will have no choice but to murder you.
    And the jury will be all, "SELF DEFENSE! SET HER FREE!"
  5. β€’
    Nothing here feels particularly fresh or sexy to me. It's simply not editorial enough. Who are these girls? Where are they going? What kind of story are these clothes telling?*
    *I don't actually know what any of this means but I watched a lot of Project Runway when I was sick and this is my Nina Garcia impression.
  6. β€’
    Ha ha ha ha ha nope.
  7. β€’
    You might think I'm about to nominate them but truly nothing would give me more pleasure than if I could just start showing up everywhere in my goddamn pajamas.
  8. β€’
    All these people wore the same dress. Also, Suzanne Somers is still alive.
  9. β€’
    I'm beginning to suspect Kate Beckinsale is absolutely bonkers, in the best possible way.
  10. β€’
    Now we know the feline exchange rate for a single Katy Perry performance is two kittens. πŸ’πŸ»=🐱🐱
    I predict this will one day be how we conduct all financial transactions.
  11. β€’
    AMEN, girl.
    Although a little shame over that whole Paris Hilton friendship wouldn't be entirely unwarranted.
  12. β€’
    This is so wrong. Nina Dobrev as Ryan Lochte. Definitely this week's Haunt My Nightmare Image.
  13. β€’
    Or maybe this.
    That's Orlando Bloom, by the way.
  14. β€’
    Or this.
  15. β€’
    Wait. No. THIS.
  16. β€’
    One of the better perks of being an international super star: you can squat down and poop wherever, whenever you want.
  17. β€’
    It's nice when sisters can go out for an evening and just be miserable together.
  18. β€’
    Good lord. It's like this issue never wants me to sleep again.
  19. β€’
    Scarlett Johansson and her husband opened up a popcorn shop. In Paris. Because apparently it's turned into the American Midwest circa 1986 there!
  20. β€’
    Look. It's time for some real talk. I cannot begin this feature every week with the fact that I don't know who the person is. But I think it's notable how often I don't know the person and I read these shitty magazines every week! It is not like I am not trying.
  21. β€’
    Although I do not have to know who she is to worry that she has "purse" confused with "medicine cabinet."
  22. β€’
    This is what happens when you pull your reactions from the Kanye playbook.
  23. β€’
    Maybe if Harry truly wants to make a difference he could stop graffitiing elephants while they're trying to sleep! Rude!
  24. β€’
    I would KILL to have "former briefcase model" on my resume!
  25. β€’
    Possibly one of the oddest pieces of trivia I've read and one I wholeheartedly wish I had made up.
  26. β€’
    Mariah Carey and her billionaire fiancΓ© James Packer (known to friends simply as "Fudgy") have, sadly, ended their engagement. It says Packer was taken aback when Mariah "proved to be" high maintenance. Yes, that must have come as quite a shocker.
    There are also rumors that she cheated with one of her background dancers, which is PRECISELY why I don't have backup dancers.
  27. β€’
    "We only smoked the meat." This is, hands down, the best thing I've ever heard. It needs to be the title of their joint memoir AND the Lifetime movie about them.
  28. β€’
    This made me a little queasy, TBH.
  29. β€’
    Look at this body language. They are WAY more than friends.
    Or maybe it's just that I have never wanted anything to be true this badly in my life. I know who can do the calligraphy on their wedding invitations! Who am I kidding? Martha will be doing them herself.
  30. β€’
    From the "attacked by a bear on my way to sexy school" collection.
  31. β€’
    Come ON, RJD! Unless this was his first stab at a Project Runway unconventional materials challenge and they gave him 3 quarters and a bunch of camo to work with. In that case, good work!
  32. β€’
    I cannot wait to open her up and find all the other Chloe Sevigny's nested inside. Definitely this week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery, as much for innovation as anything else.
  33. β€’
    They moved this to the back of the magazine! What nonsense!
  34. β€’
    Wait. What? Does he actually mean he uses half a pound of coffee beans in one cup of coffee? I bet it's not the only epic thing that happens that morning.
  35. β€’
    I would not be surprised to learn that there was no flight plan filed and that only two of them came back alive.
  36. β€’
    As a wedding gift to the rest of us, he left them there.
  37. β€’
    Suggested future feature: what's in John Travolta's purse. Get on it, Us Magazine!