A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU - ISSUE 05/02/16

  1. Just 25 things?
  2. Sure, Blake Lively's pregnant...
    ...But the real question here is why she is wearing a dress decorated with my grandma's half-eaten hard candy.
  3. About time someone made a bar graph demonstrating Leo's rising evilness.
  4. In her purse, Jennifer Carpenter carries "a Tupperware container of vegetable soup" and old coffee lids for her kid to chew on
    Whose bag is this? Ellie Mae Clampett's?
  5. To clarify: this is NOT the title of her show.
    But, oh, how I wish it were.
  6. Yep, the thinner people STILL wore it best.
    Take that, fatties.
  7. "Roasted and Toasted Nut-Based Satisfaction "
    This is not an article, obviously. It's an ad, thanks to which I cannot stop saying "Nutchello" despite how much my ears hate the sound of it.
  8. Oh, T-Pain!
    That's some real Jerry-Seinfeld-circa-1994 level stuff right there.
  9. Eve, this week's Master of Logical Reasoning, Regrettable Tattoos Division
  10. Ha ha ha ha ha!
    "Oh, my god. Ha ha ha. This is my dad. Jack Nicholson's my dad. Ha ha ha! The creepiest human being on earth, next to Carrot Top! HA HA HA!!!"
  11. I don't mean to be crass, but…
    JESUS CHRIST that is the biggest camel toe I have ever seen!
  12. Or #bedtimeatsbarro
  13. The greatest prank Fred Armisen ever pulled...
    ...was convincing the world he is Jack Antonoff.
  14. Nope.
  15. Sure, I can't get my fucking book published
    but YOUNG & BEARDLESS is coming out May 17, thank god.
  16. Noted nonagenarian Bruce Willis and his wife have a puzzle table.
    A PUZZLE TABLE!!!
  17. "She'll probably be a mix of both of us," says John Legend...
    ...displaying his dazzling knowledge of biology.
  18. I'm just really concerned about the size of their foreheads.
  19. In case you were wondering what a step down from Wilmer Valderamma looks like.
  20. If you ever asked me who would attend a "What happens here, stays here" party, my NUMBER ONE guess would have been Kellan Lutz.
  21. Tiffani "You'll Always Be Amber to Me" Theissen finally confirming what we have all known for years: she does not know what 'funny' means.