A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU – ISSUE 05/09/16
Ugh. Some weeks it's like Us is not even trying to work with me on this. The ultimate dilemma: you tell me, which is worse – no list or a mediocre list based on a mediocre issue?
- •The coverThere will be no Prince jokes. Partly because it's too soon, and partly because I can't think of any.
- •I was JUST wondering what was in Mischa Barton's bag!"Mischa Barton's 3.1 Phillip Lim bucket bag is full of bags." Um, I think the correct street lingo is "baggies." Get it together, Us Magazine.
- •I can't even think of 25 things I'd WANT to know about David HasselhoffBut, you guys! Number 12! "I roomed with Pee-Wee Herman and Katey Sagal at the California Institute of the Arts." HOW IS THIS NOT A SITCOM?
- •Nikki Minaj's tattoo is Chinese for "underboob."
- •This week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery is a tie!TWO people bought this outfit. Probably on purpose.
- •"So let me get this straight - you DON'T rap? ... Not at all?"
- •Renee Zellwegger is looking crazier than ever.
- •Sometimes you think a joke would just write itself, but it doesn't. It just doesn't.
- •I swear to god that if I EVER come across a celebrity doing beach yoga in a bikini, I will drown their sorry ass. Monsters.
- •Wait. Did I give out my Christ on a Cracker award too soon?She looks like a Scottish cowgirl spy who moonlights as the headmistress at a private girl's school.
- •Oh, Jesus. Way too soon.Business wear for rodeo whores.
- •I swore no Prince jokes and I meant it.But may I just say that this may be my favorite Prince photo of all time. Even back then he wasn't havin' it. NONE. OF. IT.
- •CHRIST ON A... well, you know.I'm, like, 98% sure this is actually a wine gift bag.
- •DO BETTER NEXT WEEK, US MAGAZINE!!!