A PUBLIC SERVICE: BOTTOM-LINING THIS WEEK'S US MAGAZINE JUST FOR YOU – ISSUE 05/09/16

Ugh. Some weeks it's like Us is not even trying to work with me on this. The ultimate dilemma: you tell me, which is worse – no list or a mediocre list based on a mediocre issue?
  1. The cover
    There will be no Prince jokes. Partly because it's too soon, and partly because I can't think of any.
  2. I was JUST wondering what was in Mischa Barton's bag!
    "Mischa Barton's 3.1 Phillip Lim bucket bag is full of bags." Um, I think the correct street lingo is "baggies." Get it together, Us Magazine.
  3. I can't even think of 25 things I'd WANT to know about David Hasselhoff
    But, you guys! Number 12! "I roomed with Pee-Wee Herman and Katey Sagal at the California Institute of the Arts." HOW IS THIS NOT A SITCOM?
  4. Nikki Minaj's tattoo is Chinese for "underboob."
  5. This week's Christ on a Cracker Award for Sartorial Dumbfuckery is a tie!
    TWO people bought this outfit. Probably on purpose.
  6. "So let me get this straight - you DON'T rap? ... Not at all?"
  7. Renee Zellwegger is looking crazier than ever.
  8. Sometimes you think a joke would just write itself, but it doesn't. It just doesn't.
  9. I swear to god that if I EVER come across a celebrity doing beach yoga in a bikini, I will drown their sorry ass. Monsters.
  10. Wait. Did I give out my Christ on a Cracker award too soon?
    She looks like a Scottish cowgirl spy who moonlights as the headmistress at a private girl's school.
  11. Oh, Jesus. Way too soon.
    Business wear for rodeo whores.
  12. I swore no Prince jokes and I meant it.
    But may I just say that this may be my favorite Prince photo of all time. Even back then he wasn't havin' it. NONE. OF. IT.
  13. CHRIST ON A... well, you know.
    I'm, like, 98% sure this is actually a wine gift bag.
  14. DO BETTER NEXT WEEK, US MAGAZINE!!!